I hesitate to write this article because what I’m going to say can be easily misapplied. While I’m not going to advocate for anything unbiblical, I will suggest some things that could lead to temptation if the man and woman are not wise.
For example, I’m not saying you should seek to do these intimate things with someone on the first date. I’m not saying that you should do these intimate things at 3 am as you lie in bed together. And I’m not saying you should do these things while acting like they can’t also lead you to become too close before marriage.
With that said, I also firmly believe that to really know if God wants you to marry someone, there should be a progression of intimacy that is occurring. Of course you shouldn’t do anything that God only made for marriage. But to know if you should marry someone, you can’t treat them like you do a normal brother or sister in Christ. You’re supposed to be getting closer to husband and wife status through the dating process.
Therefore, I urge you to pray about how to use this information in your own life. Don’t rush it. Don’t do these things every day. But when the time comes, ask the Lord how to best proceed.
Therefore, here are 5 non-sinful intimate things you should do before you get married to someone.
1. Before You Two Get Married, You Should Become Prayer Partners
As I warned in the intro, you must be careful not to be naïve. Some of you might be thinking, “Prayer? That’s a form of intimacy? As Christians, we should never be afraid to pray together!”
In some sense, I agree with that. But context is key here. For example:
- What you pray about will dictate what emotions are being stirred up. If a boyfriend and girlfriend start praying about their future wedding but they’re not engaged and haven’t been dating that long, those prayers would be unwise to say together.
- Where and when you are praying might influence your emotions. If you’re alone for a long time, late at night, cuddled up on the couch, praying together might actually lead to sexual temptation.
- How often you engage in prayer might cause you two to become closer than is healthy without the protection that the marriage covenant provides.
With that said, before you decide to marry someone, you should absolutely have spent a lot of time praying with that person. When you first become a couple, short prayers together would be wise. But as things get more serious, you two should be connecting more deeply in your prayer partnership.
The point of Christian dating isn’t just to find someone you enjoy. It’s to find someone that you can become a spiritual partner with (Genesis 2:18, 1 Peter 3:7). Thus, before you two get married, you should experience healthy forms of intimacy through prayer.
2. Before You Two Get Married, You Should Confide in Each Other About Your Weaknesses
Trust is not an all-or-nothing choice. Rather, you should trust someone on a sliding scale that corresponds to how much trustworthiness you two have shown each other.
Thus, I’m not saying you should immediately confide in someone about your weaknesses just because you have strong romantic feelings. Dating is not marriage. You two have not promised to always be there for each other. Always remember that. Don’t share anything with someone that you would regret sharing if they are no longer in your life.
However, with that said, as you get closer to marriage, you two should be trusting each other more and more. Thus, you should be confiding in each other more and more about your own weaknesses. Not only will this build healthy intimacy because you will be better able to support each other, but it will also provide you both with all the facts you need to make an informed decision on whether or not you want to marry each other.
Galatians 6:1-2 gives us a powerful balance. Share what is healthy. But if it leads to temptation for each other, don’t share it:
Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”
3. Before You Two Get Married, You Should Talk About Your Future Hopes
One reason it’s so dangerous to talk about the future with someone is that it makes you feel more committed to each other than you actually are. When you talk about what you hope will happen between you two, emotionally, it can feel like it will happen. Obviously, that will tempt you to make compromises you normally wouldn’t make.
Ephesians 4:29, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Talking about the future could be “corrupting talk” if it makes you think you two will get married, which could then tempt you to start acting like you’re married now. However, if talking about your future hopes is building healthy emotional intimacy that is leading you towards marriage, that can be the type of talk that “fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”
Thus, while you don’t want to talk about the future too soon or too often before marriage, you two absolutely do need to have this experience together. When you talk about the future, do you feel worried, anxious, and unexcited? Or do you feel hopeful, at peace, and excited to experience what you two are talking about?
When you can see a future with someone, it will increase your feelings for them in the present. This isn’t bad, but it can be dangerous. So be careful. You need to experience this intimacy, but never act married before you actually are, no matter how much you’ve talked about the future and think you know what will happen. Live in reality. Once you’re married, you’re then free to act married.
4. Before You Two Get Married, You Should Confess Your Love for One Another
I don’t think it’s always unwise to say “I love you” in dating. But I do think you shouldn’t say this until marriage is very, very close. While I wouldn’t go as far as to say that this is a biblical command, my personal conviction is that you should say you love each other until you get engaged. Once you say “I love you,” you should start planning the wedding. Why? Because love without commitment isn’t real love.
While you can love someone in the general Christian sense, when a man and woman say this, they are talking about romantic love. And when we apply the principles of biblical love to romantic love, we can say that words alone are not enough. Biblical love isn’t merely something you say; it’s something you demonstrate through your actions and commitment. 1 John 3:18, “Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.”
Therefore, this form of love really shouldn’t be discussed until it can be fully acted upon through the commitment of marriage. So right before marriage, you should experience this form of intimacy in the ending phases of dating and through your engagement season.
And before I mention the last point, don’t forget, if you want a completely free digital copy my book, The Ultimate Guide to Christian Singleness, just click the link in the description of this video. You’ll then be taken to my website where you can submit your email so I know where to send your copy. Within minutes, you will receive your own PDF copy.
5. Before You Two Get Married, You Should Engage in Non-Sexual Physical Forms of Affection
Believe it or not, there are physical forms of intimacy that are not sexual or sinful. What are they?
Well, that’s a topic I covered in great detail in a different article.
Click here to read it: 5 Ways to Intimately Connect in Dating Without Sinning
