5 Biblical Ways to Fight Less in Your Marriage

Do you want to fight less in your marriage?

While marriage will always have some form of strife because we are all fallen, through Christ’s power and the wisdom found in the Bible, you absolutely can fight less with your spouse.

There are many other biblical principles that could be mentioned, but here are 5 that can help you get started on the path to promoting more peace in your marriage.

1. You Can Fight Less with Your Spouse By Having More Self-Awareness

It certainly takes two to form a fight. So this is not about taking the blame for the problems your spouse is adding to your marriage. However, Scripture is clear that we must always start with ourselves (Matthew 7:3-5, 2 Corinthians 13:5). This means we should confess and repent of our sins before pointing out our spouse’s sins.

Not only that, but it’s also important to take stock of our internal motivations before we enter problem-solving mode with our spouse. In other words, if you know you’re angry, annoyed, and ready to fight, you have to learn to be aware of these negative motivations before you start talking to your spouse. Proverbs 13:3 (NIV), “Those who guard their lips preserve their lives, but those who speak rashly will come to ruin.”

One of the simplest ways to fight less in marriage is to not talk about your problems when you know in your heart that you want to fight. Sometimes we’re just downright mad because of something our spouse said or did. Sometimes we are too hurt to open our mouths and say anything productive. In times like these, you have to have the self-awareness to know you’re not ready for a productive conversation. Proverbs 14:29, “Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly.”

Let the internal storm pass and then come to your spouse with your concern. Many times, the crossroads between a fight and a real solution is chosen right at the beginning of the conversation by the tone and energy we start with. If you sound annoyed and angry, you will almost always get an annoyed and angry response back from your spouse. Proverbs 15:1, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

God calls us to follow him, not our emotions. Fights will keep happening if you lack the self-control to reject the internal desires that want to fight with your spouse. By rejecting the flesh and choosing to walk in the new nature through the Spirit, we can embrace our true desire for peace in our marriages. Colossians 3:5, 12-14 states:

Put to death therefore what is earthly in you . . . Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.”

2. You Can Fight Less with Your Spouse By Letting the Solution Catch Up to Your Emotions

Proverbs 19:2, “Desire without knowledge is not good, and whoever makes haste with his feet misses his way.”

Sometimes your heart is in the right place, but your mind hasn’t grasped the solution God has given you. 1 Corinthians 10:13, “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” Every time you’re tempted to fight, somewhere, somehow, God has given you a solution to avoid this sin.

Patience positions you to find the solution to the problems in your marriage without fighting. Fighting often occurs when the husband and wife want to talk about the problem, but their spirits are not ready to receive the solution.

Because of the misapplication of Ephesians 4:26-27, which states not to let the sun go down on your anger, many couples feel pressured to solve their problems faster than is possible (Romans 12:18). While we should never sin in our anger by letting it linger, it’s just as unwise to force a solution that isn’t there yet. Proverbs 10:19 (NIV), “Sin is not ended by multiplying words, but the prudent hold their tongues.”

I’m not saying you two can figure everything out alone and then come together with the solutions. In most cases, you two will need to talk through an issue to find a solution. But don’t rush ahead when your emotions are way out in front of the heart-posture needed to receive the solution God wants to give you.

Proverbs 12:18, “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”

3. You Can Fight Less with Your Spouse By Knowing What Can Be Let Go and What Needs to Be Addressed

According to the Bible, it is not necessary to talk about every little offense that occurs in marriage. For example, Proverbs 19:11 states, “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.” However, in Matthew 18:15 Christians are told, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone.”

One way to know whether you should talk about an offense in your marriage or just forgive and let it go is to give it time. If you give it time and can “overlook an offense,” forgive, and live at peace without becoming bitter about it, you don’t need to bring it up. If you bring up every tiny little thing, it will be hard to have a happy marriage. You’ll wear each other out.

But if you give it time and you actually start to feel worse, if the problem keeps gnawing at you, and you sense bitterness taking root, then you will know you need to talk about the offense with your spouse. While we don’t need to point out every little sin our spouse commits, as that produces a graceless home that hardens the heart and puts everyone on the defensive, it’s impossible to have a healthy marriage if you try to overlook every offense. If time is just burying the problem and you still feel hurt, to fight less in your marriage, then you will need to practice Matthew 18:15 rather than Proverbs 19:11. If you don’t talk about a problem that is bothering you, the pressure will build and create unhealthy outcomes.

4. You Can Fight Less with Your Spouse By Having Good Timing

If everyone is hungry, if you both just walked in the door after a stressful day at work, if the kids are screaming in the background, or if you are both too tired to act like respectful adults, you can avoid further damage and fight less by bringing up an issue at a better time.

Sometimes there is not a perfect time to bring up a problem, but there are often better and worse times. Overall, if you want to fight less with your spouse, be Spirit-led, not emotion-led, in your timing. Proverbs 15:23 (NLT), “Everyone enjoys a fitting reply; it is wonderful to say the right thing at the right time!”

Think of Esther. Unlike Vashti, who gave no thought to the king’s emotional state when she acted (Esther 1), Esther made sure to bring her very costly request before the king at just the right moment, when he was most likely to receive it well (Esther 5-7). In fact, the whole book of Esther is really a lesson on following God’s perfect timing (Ester 4:14).

We can’t control how others respond, but we can do our best to help them respond well by having wise timing.

5. If You Want to Fight Less with Your Spouse, You Must Learn to Forgive Quickly

The faster you can forgive, the less fuel you’re giving to fighting. Unforgiveness produces emotional energy that has to be released. You might try to hold it in, but you will always fail. Like a volcano, the pressure will build, and eventually it has to be released (Psalm 39:1-3).

Forgiveness releases the pressure onto the cross of Christ. By allowing Jesus to pay for the wrongs you two have done together, you can choose to love and be at peace with each other once again, even though it’s undeserved (Colossians 2:13-14).

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