4 Biblical Ways to Pursue a Woman If You Are an Introverted Man

If you are an introverted Christian man who wants to meet, date, and marry a godly woman one day, you might be struggling with knowing what you should do?

While the Bible doesn’t give us specific advice about pursuing a woman as an introverted man, the Bible can always be applied in wisdom to whatever situation we are going through.

Therefore, if you are an introverted man who wants to pursue a Christian woman one day, here are 4 biblical principles to consider.

1. Understand that Introverted and Extroverted Men Are All Held to the Same Biblical Standards

The terms extroverted and introverted are not in the Bible. Rather, these are modern psychological terms that help us understand two different personality types. Contrary to popular belief, to be introverted does not mean you are shy, bad at talking to people, or unable to thrive in social roles. Rather, the terms introverted and extroverted really define how someone receives energy.

An introverted person gets tired after lots of socializing and needs quiet or small groups or alone time to recharge and rest. And extroverted person, however, gets tired and drained through being alone and gets recharged through spending time with others and in social places.

It’s true that some introverts tend to lack social skills compared to extroverts simply do to their lack of exposure and being drawn to less social environments, but that is due to mere conditioning and behavioral choices rather than innate abilities.

All that to say, biblically, it doesn’t matter if you are introverted or extroverted. The biblical principles about relationships apply to all people. So the first thing you should consider when pursuing a woman regardless of being introverted or extroverted is, “What does the Bible say about relationships?”

Being extra good at talking to women is not a biblical requirement for marriage. Your morality and Christian character are what matter most. If you are not biblically mature enough to pursue a woman, then don’t. If you have the biblical requirements to pursue a woman (Ephesians 5:25-33, 1 Peter 3:7), then do it.

Being introverted or extroverted is not a factor when considering the biblical readiness for a relationship.

2. God Made You Introverted on Purpose, So Don’t Try to Change Yourself Into Someone Different

The problem with most relationship advice for men is that it tends to tell men exactly what to do. Say this, do that, never say this, never do that, and so on. But I believe this goes against what the Bible says about God’s desire for his people. If God wanted all men to pursue women in the exact same way, he would have made that clear.

Yes, there are biblical principles and moral laws that apply to all of us, but God made us different as individuals on purpose. When you take someone else’s advice on how to pursue a woman and you follow it exactly, I believe you are missing the mark on what God really wants from you. He wants each of us to be real individuals. Sure, it’s good to have a model to follow or a starting point to work from. There’s nothing wrong with following specific relationship examples and emulating them. But you just need to be careful you are not portraying yourself in an inauthentic way.

So if you are a Christian single man who is introverted, the advice you probably received has been, “Just be more extroverted.” While you will need to stretch yourself at times and do things that may not come as natural, you don’t want to do things that totally go against your personality and strengths.

Rather, the key is to figure out how to pursue a woman as an introverted man. If you are introverted, God made you that way on purpose.

Psalm 139:14, “I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.”

3. Pursue a Woman By Leaning Into Your Strengths Rather than Your Weaknesses as an Introverted Man

Sure, some of us can pretend to be someone we are not. But eventually, that will catch up to us. When you act extroverted when you are actually introverted, eventually you get burned out. You can’t keep up the charades for that long. A woman will then feel like you changed, like you are not the person she thought you were, and the relationship will fail anyways.

So rather than trying to be Mr. Talkative or Mr. Outgoing or Mr. Funnyguy, identify what you are actually good at and enjoy and offer those gift sets to the woman you are interested in:

• Do you like to talk about important theological subjects? Then ask her about those topics and see if she can keep up with you in conversation.
• Do you like listening and asking meaningful follow up questions so the person feels heard and understood? Do that! Many women love to talk and love when it feels like someone is really listening and understanding.
• Do you like to spend time with people doing activities so it decreases the need to talk the entire time? Plan dates that are more activity based. Many women love to be active.
• Are you better at opening up socially once you become friends with a woman rather than approaching a woman you don’t know? Then lean into your abilities to be a good friend.

The point is, some women want and need an extroverted guy. If a woman needs that, it simply means she’s not for you. Don’t try to be someone you’re not just so a woman likes you. That won’t last. Rather, show a woman the skills and gifts you do have. You want a woman who can enjoy you for who you are.

Don’t try to change God’s design of you. Work with it. You have strengths that other men don’t have. Lean into those!

1 Peter 4:10, “As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace . . .”

4. Practice and Don’t Make Excuses

If you are an introverted man who wants to pursue a Christian woman, there is no secret formula that is going to make this easier for you. Of course prayer and the Holy Spirit will give you boldness (Matthew 7:7), but usually God isn’t going to just change you and implant new skills in your life. He will train you through real life experiences.

Just like every other part of your life, the only thing that will really help you get better at pursuing a woman is practice. If you want to be good at a sport, you have to play that sport. If you want to be good at a trade, you have to work at that trade. If you want to be a good musician, you need to spend a lot of time playing music.

The same is true when it comes to relationships. If you are not good at talking to women, the only way you are going to get better is by talking to more women. Start small and build your way up. Talk to the cashier about how her day is going. Talk to older women at church when you sit down before the service starts. Go to group outings and talk to women as friends. And when you like a woman, try to find a common interest and talk to her.

Will you be great at this right away? Probably not. But you will always lack the skills you never work on. So never blame your personality type. Rather, use it to your advantage and work on the areas you feel you need to improve on.

In time, you will always get better at the things you practice (Proverbs 14:23).