Song of Solomon 8:4
The Bible states that premarital sex is sin. There are many justifications, however, people use to explain why they believe having premarital sex is okay.
If you are a Christian single who wants to not have sex while unmarried, you will hear lots of arguments against this. In this article I will answer five of the most common objections to abstaining from premarital sex.
All of these objections to abstinence can be answered with, “The Bible still says premarital sex is a sin.” There is not context that makes a sin not a sin. God’s character does not change. His laws are a reflection of his character. Therefore his law to only have sex in marriage will not change either.
Rather than just give that one answer for all five of these questions, I will do my best to give a fuller explanation of what the Bible says about premarital sex as well.
How Will You Know If You Are Sexually Compatible If You Don’t Try Before You Buy?
Some people fear the idea of not having premarital sex because they would hate to marry someone who they do not have “good sexual chemistry with.” The objection to abstinence is, “But what if you marry someone and your sex life is awful?”
My answer to this is that marriage is so much more than sex. If you marry someone just because you really enjoy them sexually, your marriage is going to be awful. Sex is important in marriage, but it is not the most important part of the union.
This question about not getting married unless you know for certain you have a good sex connection is rooted in a selfish mindset that will sabotage your marriage in the future. You should not be entering into marriage thinking about getting all your needs met. Rather, you should enter into marriage with the mindset of loving this other person in good times and bad.
Traditional marriage vows are all about loving through sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, until death do you part. In other words, marriage-love is given regardless of sexual ecstasy or not. You should go into marriage thinking about loving this person no matter what. You should not go into marriage thinking, “I can only love this person if we have great sex together.”
Lastly, sex is an expression of love. If two people really love one another, odds are they will really enjoy having sex too. No matter how “great” the sex is, if two people don’t actually love each other eventually that physical experience will fade and the couple will despise one another.
If You Already Had Sex, Why Stop Now?
Another common objection to abstinence before marriage is when someone has already had premarital sex in the past. Sometimes if a Christian dating couple has premarital sex, they feel it doesn’t matter now since they already blew it so they might as well keep having sex.
This type of thinking is rooted in a works-based theology. When you think God approves of you and blesses you because of your obedience, you will sin more and more when you think you have already lost God’s approval and blessing. When you understand grace, however, you realize that God blesses us because of Jesus and therefore we always have the opportunity to experience God’s blessing when we rely on Jesus. Just because you have already had sex does not mean you can’t have a pure sexuality again through the gospel of Jesus Christ.
Secondly, more sin is worse than less sin. In other words, the more you sin the more you are hurting yourself. Premarital sex is damaging, but more premarital sex is more damaging. God can redeem us from anything, but we all will experience consequences for our sinful behavior. So just because you already had sex does not mean you can’t hurt yourself more by having more premarital sex.
Repent immediately whenever you sin (1 John 1:9). The sooner you return to following Jesus the sooner you will be begin the healing process with Jesus.
Why Not Enjoy Sex If You Are Mature Enough to Handle It?
Many times people feel abstinence is just something you talk about with teenagers at youth groups. People feel that sex is for “adults” (i.e. “adult content”). Age, however, is not the reason premarital sex is sin. Sin is damaging to a 16-year-old just like it is damaging to a 36-year-old.
Perhaps the reason adults feel immature for practicing abstinence is because so many of their peers have had premarital sex by the time they reach their 20s and 30s. But normal does not mean right. Just because it is normal for adults to have premarital sex does not mean it is good and not damaging.
One reason I believe that many people are getting married later in life or not at all is because of the pervasive sexual promiscuity in our culture. When people have premarital sex, it throws off the balance of a healthy relationship as God intended. People start doing marriage stuff while dating which delays them from actually getting married. Premarital sex also causes unhealthy dating relationships because God is not being honored. People then breakup.
Now after investing years of dating someone you have nothing to show for it and you have to start over. I’m not saying this in a judgmental way. I’m just pointing out the math. If you have two or three long-term dating relationships and don’t get married, you are missing the ideal window to get married. The longer you wait the less options you have. It’s just mathematical.
So if you want to have a healthy Christian relationship, don’t have premarital sex, no matter what age you are. The longer you wait to follow God the less time you have in life to experience his blessings.
If You Are Really in Love and Plan on Getting Married, What’s the Harm If You Have Sex Now?
One reason people often feel premarital sex is not a sin in their relationship is because they really love one another. Some people feel that they are going to get married to their boyfriend or girlfriend anyway, therefore there’s really no sense to not have sex right now.
This is delusional thinking. Just because something might happen in the future does not mean it is a reality right now. If it is not reality but you are acting like it is reality, that’s called being delusional. Even if you are engaged, you are still not actually married. The reason this is so important is because the covenant vows you make before God and those watching actually matter. Until you make those vows you are not bound by marriage-love, therefore you should not try to express marriage-love.
This type of logic is also dangerous because so often relationships do not turn out the way you think they will. You may think you will marry someone, but you might not. When you start having premarital sex, you are actually increasing your chances of breaking up and not getting married.
When you stop doing it God’s way you lose God’s blessing. If you want God’s blessing on your marriage, you must do your best to obey God’s way in Christian dating and singleness.
God Will Forgive Me, So Why Not Just Have Sex Anyway?
God’s grace can never be overwhelmed by man’s sin. There is no sin that cannot be covered by the blood of Jesus if someone confesses and repents. Those who have not actually been saved, however, take this good news and turn it into a free pass to sin more. A Christian, however, hears the good news and uses God’s abundant grace to sin less and less as they mature in Christ.
The law was brought in so that the trespass might increase. But where sin increased, grace increased all the more, 21 so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.
What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? 2 By no means! We are those who have died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? 3 Or don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? 4 We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life. (Romans 5:20-21 – Roman 6:1-4)
Lastly, just because God will forgive you of your sins does not mean there are no painful consequences to your actions. God may spare you of punishment but he will not spare you of discipline. When we sin, God disciplines us because he loves us (Hebrews 11:6), and sometimes that discipline is painful (Hebrews 11:7).
Additionally, sin is when we operate in this world in ways that God did not design us to operate. When we do not operate correctly, we hurt ourselves and our lives become difficult and complicated. A pure life is a simplified life. When you engage in premarital sex and sinful behavior, your life will become complicated, burdensome, and not nearly as enjoyable if you were to live according to God’s word.
Why Should Christians Not Have Premarital Sex?
There are countless reasons to sin but none of them are any good. God has commanded us to live a certain way as Christians so he is glorified and we are benefited.
God’s command to abstain from sex until marriage is not a punishment. God wants us to experience maximum joy. No matter what your sexual past, God wants you to live a pure future through his grace.