Many men struggle when talking to a woman they like because they feel they have to say the perfect thing or keep the conversation going.
But having a great conversation with a woman is much easier than you might think. So much more could be said, but these 4 points will really help you next time you talk with a woman you like.
1. Say Less and Listen More
Honestly, when a man meets a woman he likes, one of the biggest mistakes he can make is trying too hard to impress her with how much he has to say.
You don’t need to dominate the conversation. Ironically, a woman will feel way more connected to you based upon how much she says to you, not by how much you say to her.
Yes, as the man, you should be willing to initiate the conversation and take some leadership in moving things forward. But once the conversation begins, you don’t have to carry it by yourself. One of the best things you can do is give her room to talk. Wait longer before jumping in. Ask follow-up questions rather than moving to a completely different topic. Ask how she feels about things rather than just asking logical questions.
Proverbs 20:5 states, “The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.”
While this verse specifically refers to the heart of a man, the principle applies to people in general: there are often deeper thoughts and feelings underneath what someone initially says. A wise person knows how to draw those things out.
So don’t just wait for your turn to talk. If she tells you about her job, don’t immediately tell her everything about your job. Ask a follow-up question. If she mentions her family, explore that topic. If she tells you about something she’s passionate about, let her explain why she cares about it.
2. Ask Fewer Questions and Make More Inference-Led Statements
Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Good questions are a major building block to a good conversation. Open-ended questions are especially useful.
However, when you ask question after question, the conversation can easily start feeling like an interrogation or a job interview. It can also feel like you’re not really listening but rather just asking questions to fill the empty space.
This is where making an inference-led statement can be really helpful. Once you’ve gathered some info from the questions you’ve asked, now you need to put that information to work. When you draw a conclusion and say something you perceive about her, this shows her that you are really listening and invested in getting to know her on a deeper level.
Again, Proverbs 20:5 says, “The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.”
For example, rather than simply asking a woman what she does for a living, pay attention to how she talks about her work, the facial expressions she makes when she mentions her boss, and the dips and peaks in her excitement.
You could say, “I bet you’re a great teacher. You seem like you have a real passion for it.” That’s not a question. It’s an inference. Or you might say, “Wow, teaching seems really hard. I bet you’re exhausted at the end of the day.”
You might nail it and express exactly how she feels. And in that case, she’ll expound and share more. Or, you might be completely wrong. And that’s okay too! Because then she will tell you how she actually feels. Either way, making an inference-led statement will elicit more information from her in an interesting way that doesn’t feel like a job interview.
3. Balance Your Agreements with Disagreements
If all you do is agree with everything she says, you will eventually come across as someone who doesn’t really have opinions of his own. And worse, she may start wondering whether you’re agreeing with her because you genuinely believe the same things or because you’re trying to make her like you.
But if all you do is disagree, you’ll become exhausting to talk to. Nobody wants to feel like every opinion they share will turn into a debate.
Enjoyable people have a way of drawing you in by focusing on the commonalities while still maintaining their own individuality.
So when you discover something you have in common, lean into it. But when you find a disagreement, don’t always avoid it. Lean into those sometimes too. Don’t be argumentative. But by disagreeing, she’ll feel free to really open up to you because she’ll know you’re actually opening up to her, too.
Proverbs 27:17 states, “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” Healthy disagreement can actually help two people get to know each other better.
4. Enjoy Yourself During the Conversation
As Howard Thurman said, “Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
Similarly, it’s important not to just ask, “What does she want to talk about?” Rather, it’s important to ask what makes you come alive in conversation, because a great conversation requires two people enjoying life together.
Proverbs 17:22, “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” Emotions are infectious. The way you feel will influence the way she feels. The more you enjoy talking to her, the more she will enjoy talking to you.
While there are all kinds of tips and techniques that can help create a great conversation, there’s only so much you should try to do. In the end, the best conversations are those that involve two people who are naturally enjoying the conversation.
Therefore, while it’s important to think about the woman you want to connect with, it’s just as important, if not more important, to actually pursue those topics of conversation you actually want to talk about. If her job is boring, don’t lean into that. If you’re interested in her hobbies, lean more there.
One of the best questions to ask is “What do I want to talk about?” because a woman wants to talk with a man who seems interested in the conversation.
Related Article: How to Pursue a Woman
