How similar do two people really need to be for a relationship to thrive? When God is truly highlighting the person you will marry one day, will this be marked by an extreme level of compatibility?
Surprisingly, when God chooses your spouse, compatibility will be there, but it will often look very different from what many people expect. Therefore, here are 5 ways God creates the right type of compatibility in 5 key areas of our lives.
1. Theological Compatibility: Do You Have the Same Foundation?
Our core beliefs will shape everything about us. This is why A.W. Tozer famously wrote in his book, The Knowledge of the Holy, “What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us.”
In Matthew 7:24-27, Jesus said that everyone who hears his words and actually does them will be like one who built his house on a rock, which can sustain the storms. But those who don’t do what Jesus said are like those who build on sand, and they are wiped away during the storms.
The point is, our beliefs about God are the foundation of every part of our lives. And so, for a couple to be compatible enough to thrive in marriage, they do need to have the same core theological foundation. If their beliefs about God are too different, they will constantly be butting heads, since their different foundations will always lead them to different conclusions.
With that said, no one sees every theological topic the same. Two people can read the same verses and often come away with different interpretations. So, how compatible do you really need to be to have a healthy marriage?
It’s helpful to categorize the importance of theological topics. Tier 1 issues are those that define what it means to be a real Christian. These are salvation issues. Who is Jesus? Is God Triune? Is the Bible true? Things like that. When God picks your spouse, you two will be compatible here because he calls us to be equally yoked in marriage (2 Corinthians 6:14, 1 Corinthians 7:39).
Can you be members of the same church? Will you be in agreement on what to teach the children? If you were to both share the gospel with someone, would that person receive the same message about how to be saved? If yes, then you’re probably theological compatible enough for marriage.
When it comes to non-salvation issues, there is room for disagreement while still being theologically compatible enough to thrive. And yet, there are some non-salvation issues that are so important that they will make it impossible to live together if there is a disagreement.
Thus, each couple will have to work through their theological differences to determine whether they can do more than just coexist, but actually thrive together. Which leads to point 2.
Related Article: How to Handle Theological Differences in a Relationship
2. Spiritual Maturity Compatibility: Can You Grow Together?
Theological differences are important, but they are really only as important as they affect the way you live. As I said in point 1, our beliefs shape our actions. Thus, rather than looking for someone who would choose all the same multiple-choice answers on a theological test as you, what you really want to look for is that you two are theological compatible enough to grow together.
In other words, is your passion for Christ in alignment? This question will also help you determine whether you two are compatible in terms of your spiritual maturity. Many times, Christians fear getting into a relationship with someone who knows less or who hasn’t been walking with the Lord for as many decades as they have.
While your spiritual maturity should be compatible enough for you two to be able to enjoy each other’s walk with God and partner together in growth, the real mark is that you both possess a similar hunger for the Lord. If one knows more or has been walking with Jesus longer, that is not a problem, so long as the newer Christian is just as in love with Christ.
Spiritual compatibility becomes an issue when there is a big mismatch in passion for God. If you both can stand in agreement with Philippians 3:8, that’s a great sign:
Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ.”
3. Ministry Compatibility: Do You Complement Each Other’s Gifts?
You shouldn’t expect to marry someone who has the exact same spiritual gift as you. While that is possible, it’s neither common nor necessary.
You need someone who complements you rather than mirrors you. You don’t need a spiritual duplicate. You need a partner who has strengths you don’t have.
Also, while some couples share the same ministry passions, you don’t always need to be actively serving in the same ministry to be great ministry partners. Life is more than one outlet of service. Your spouse is your partner in life, not just in one particular service outlet. Sometimes your partner helps you in ministry simply by being at home and supporting you as a person, rather than directly in that ministry.
For example, I’m a writer and Bible teacher. My wife, Bethany, is not. She really doesn’t enjoy doing those things herself. She’s passionate about the word and loves sharing it with others, but not in a teaching capacity as I do. However, the gifts she does have bless my ministry immensely. Not only does she do many behind-the-scenes tasks for AGW Ministries, but she also supports me as a person in ways that directly help me be the best writer and Bible teacher I can be. And while I’m not directly homeschooling our children like she is every day, I contribute to that ministry in different ways than she does, and I try to support her as our children’s frontline teacher.
The point is, you want to choose a partner who can increase the fruit in your life and who you can increase the fruit in theirs. You don’t need to be ministry clones of each other (1 Peter 4:10-11).
4. Communication Compatibility: Can You Connect?
Communication really is very important if you want a healthy relationship. However, it’s very unlikely you get paired with someone who communicates in the exact same way as you. Not only do individuals differ here, but when you add in the gender differences between men and women, communication can be a real challenge.
So the real key here is to find someone who’s willing to learn and adapt so you two can connect. When you both are willing to accept that you need different things to communicate well together, that’s a great sign that God is highlighting someone you can thrive with (Philippians 2:1-5).
5. Sabbath Compatibility: What Fills You?
By “Sabbath Compatibility,” I don’t just mean that you have the same biblical interpretation of how to rightly practice the Sabbath. Rather, I mean that you both can get filled up and rejuvenated by spending time together.
Sometimes, two people are just so different in this area that it’s impossible to coexist. Probably the most common example of this is between introverts and extroverts. The real difference between these two types of people is not that one is social and the other is not. There can be very social introverts and very non-social extroverts. Rather, the real difference is that introverts get reenergized through alone time, silence, or being in small groups; extroverts get emotionally filled up through being around a lot of people, being in public places, or talking.
It’s certainly possible for an introvert and an extrovert to have a healthy relationship so long as they can respect each other’s needs. But if they can’t and they want too many different things to get emotionally filled up, they just aren’t compatible enough.
Thus, one great test is to spend time with someone and then ask yourself, “Am I drained or filled up after being with them?” You want your spouse to help energize you, not drain you (Hebrews 10:24).