As a Christian single woman navigating your interactions with single men, it’s important that you know how a man will decide if you are interested in him or not. It’s important for you to know this so you can avoid sending the wrong message to the guys you don’t like and so you can send the right message to the guy you do like.
And unlike many of my articles, these points are ranked by importance, so make sure you read to the end.
1. When a Man Wants to Know If You Like Him, He Will Catalogue Every Interaction You Two Have Had and Make a Big General Assessment
It’s always hard to talk about how “men” will view all “women” because each individual is so unique. Not to mention, each man is at a different stage of his emotional and spiritual development. So, in this article, I’m really referring to a normal Christian guy with a solid foundation in the Lord and very basic relationship skills. If a guy is not a Christian, if he’s an immature Christian, or if he’s really undeveloped relationally, then these points might not relate.
With that said, I think most Christian guys try to use wisdom when assessing how a woman might feel about them. Proverbs 14:15 says, “The simple believes everything, but the prudent gives thought to his steps.” Thus, these types of guys know it’s important not to pay too much attention to just one interaction or phrase from a woman. Rather, they are going to look at all the interactions and conversations they have with a woman, categorize them in a very general way, and then make a broad assessment.
For example, he might create two categories, such as “positive” and “negative.” If a woman stops to talk to him one Sunday, that memory will go into the “positive” bank. If she walks by him next Sunday and he sees her talking with a different guy instead, that memory will go in the “negative” bank. No single interaction is going to make him conclude anything. Rather, after a few weeks or months, he will try to identify patterns with her that answer his questions.
This is helpful to know as a woman because it can give you peace of mind that your entire future with a guy won’t depend on a single negative or positive interaction. Rather, he’s going to make his conclusions about you based on the overall assessment of all his interactions with you.
Thus, if you sense a guy likes you and you want him to know you like him, so he pursues you, you need to be consistent. Random eye contact, one conversation, or one kind gesture isn’t going to do it. The regular interactions you have with him will be what he looks at most.
2. When a Man Wants to Know If You Like Him, He Will See How You Respond When He Does Something to Show that He Likes You
Some guys are just too passive. So this point won’t relate to them. However, remember, I’m talking about a healthy Christian man who’s secure in the Lord and has a healthy interest in a woman. If he wants to know if she might have mutual feelings for him before he just all-out pursues her, he might do some smaller proactive things to see how she responds. For example:
- He may invite you to something that wouldn’t be a one-on-one date. However, he’s going out of his way to see if you want to attend too.
- He might start texting you more or commenting on your social media posts more often.
- He may approach you in shared spaces.
However, the real reason he’s doing this is to see how you respond. Do you reject his offer to attend the event? Do you respond politely to his text but then leave it there, or do you engage by texting him back with follow-up texts that help the conversation continue? Do you politely engage when he approaches you, or do you sometimes approach him too?
Some women feel like it’s their right to send no clear signs but also expect the man to keep pursuing if he’s really interested. However, this is a mistake for a couple of reasons. Philippians 2:4 states, “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” Thus, as a Christian woman, you should be trying to help the right man pursue you.
He’s also going to be thinking of your well-being. If he senses you don’t like him, he will try to show you Christian love by not pursuing you. He doesn’t want to bother a woman who isn’t interested
So if you don’t want a man to pursue you, you don’t need to be mean to him. You can just be respectful and polite without engaging further. He’ll get the picture. If you do want him to pursue, make sure you respond in a clearly positive way whenever he does interact with you.
3. When a Man Wants to Know If You Like Him, He Will Observe How You Treat Him Compared to Other Men
To properly assess how a woman is responding to him, he needs a baseline against which to judge her actions. In other words, some women are more open, some are more closed, but when a woman likes a man, she will treat that man differently from how she treats other men.
If she’s nervous around most guys, she might be extra calm around the man she likes. If she’s normally very calm around most guys, she might be very nervous around the guy she likes. If she’s normally pretty quiet, she might be more talkative around the guy she likes. If she’s normally really talkative with most guys, she might be quieter around the guy she likes.
Second, to properly assess how a woman is responding to him, a man will seek to interpret the evidence he has through the lens of this woman’s effort towards other men. For example, if a woman invites a man to an event, he will assume this is a positive sign. However, if he finds out she has invited many other men as well, hoping to gather a bunch of friends, he will assume she was just being nice and is not romantically interested.
Thirdly, all men want a woman’s exclusive romantic attention. If a woman is giving other men the same amount of attention that he’s getting, he will conclude this woman is not romantically interested in him.
Thus, the biggest mistake women make is treating the guy they like exactly like every other guy. It shouldn’t be your job to conceal your feelings for a guy at all costs. If you do that, it’s very unlikely he will ever pursue you.
Sometimes women complain that the guys they don’t like pursue them, but the guys they do like don’t pursue them. This often happens because the woman is sending the wrong signals to each group of guys.
She’s open and relaxed around guys she doesn’t like because she’s not nervous or insecure, which makes them think she might be interested. And she is nervous and insecure around the guys she does like, which really isn’t the problem. The real problem is how she responds to her anxiety and insecurities around the guy she likes. It would be better for her to just show she’s nervous or insecure around him because he would at least notice that and might assume she’s interested and thus pursue her. Instead, however, she tries to protect herself by overcompensating for her anxiety. She then comes off as closed and cold towards him. So the guy she actually likes walks away feeling the exact opposite from her than she would want him to feel.
All that to say, if you treat him like a friend, don’t be surprised if he thinks you only like him as a friend. If you want a guy to pursue you, you should treat him differently from how you treat other men.
Song of Solomon 2:3, “As an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men.”
For more on this topic, you may want to read my book, Invite Him: 16 Rules from Ruth to Help Your Future Husband Find You.
