A lot of times, a single woman who wants to be married one day will think and pray so much about God sending her a man who pursues her that she often forgets to prepare herself to respond properly once a good man does start pursuing her.
So in this article, I’m going to cover 4 really common mistakes many women make when they get pursued by a guy they actually like. And for each point, I’ll provide a much better alternative so you don’t accidentally send the wrong message.
Mistake #1: Doing Nothing But Hoping He Keeps Pursuing You
Yes, it really is the man’s job to pursue. But Christian women have heard this truth so much that they often assume they shouldn’t do anything but wait to be pursued.
Imagine if a man was leading a woman in a dance, but she thought she didn’t need to do anything because he was leading. The dance wouldn’t work! She would look ridiculous, just standing there, not following his lead; and he would be confused, probably assuming that she didn’t really want to dance with him.
Here are some specific examples of ways women are too passive and don’t respond properly when a man is pursuing:
- Avoiding him or acting like you don’t see him when you two are near each other because you’re too nervous.
- Waiting hours or days to respond to his messages so you don’t seem desperate even though you saw it immediately.
- Treating him like you treat every other guy so he doesn’t know you like him.
If you like a guy who is pursuing you, it makes no sense to try to hide your feelings! If you are successful, he will assume you don’t like him, and then he will stop pursuing you.
Therefore, if a man pursues you and you don’t like him, you don’t need to do anything. By being polite and not responding, he should get the picture. But if you do like the guy who is pursuing you, you need to be more than polite. You need to actually do something!
A Better Alternative: Match His Energy
Like dancing, the way to follow a man’s lead is to match his pace and energy. If he’s texting you out of the blue, start texting him out of the blue. If he finds you at church to talk, find him at church to talk. If he invites you to something with his friends, invite him to something with your friends.
As the golden rule explains, “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets” (Matthew 7:12).
Mistake #2: Rejecting All His Compliments
A lot of us just don’t know how to receive a compliment. And sometimes, we outright reject a compliment because we are trying to be humble. But when we do this, it’s kind of like receiving a present from someone but then giving it back to them without even unwrapping it, “Thank you for the gift, but no thank you. Here, take it back!”
While rejecting someone’s compliment isn’t a huge problem in most instances, when a woman keeps rejecting a man’s compliments who is pursuing her, he will eventually assume she is trying to tell him she doesn’t want his pursuit.
Here are some specific examples of ways women commonly do this:
- Man: “You look really nice today.” Woman: “No, I look terrible today. I didn’t have time to get ready like I normally do.”
- Man: “I like that outfit. It looks good on you.” Woman: “I actually hate this outfit. It makes me feel fat. I just wore it because it’s so comfortable.”
- Man: “You did a great job giving your presentation.” Woman: “Oh thanks, but I actually butchered it. I wasn’t on my game at all.”
After enough rejected compliments, a man starts to feel like the woman is saying, “Hey, buddy, I know what you’re doing, and I’m not interested! Take a hike!”
A Better Alternative: Just Say Thank You
When people compliment us, we really overcomplicate it. No one expects us to give an explanation or to deflect in a self-deprecating way. We’re not being prideful by simply saying, “Thank you. I appreciate that.” Not only is it healthy for your own heart to receive positive feedback, but it’s also a blessing to others when you allow them to say something nice to you.
And when it comes to a woman being pursued by a man, when she receives his compliment and allows him to see that he has made her feel good, this will make him feel great. He will want to keep complimenting her and keep pursuing her. Above all else, a man wants to make a woman feel good. When he feels like he’s making her feel good, he feels like he’s found a woman he can win with in a relationship.
Ephesians 4:29, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”
Mistake #3: Trying to Be Kind but Actually Being Condescending
While some women completely reject compliments or act uninterested when a man pursues, some women respond positively but they do so in a way that actually comes off as condescending.
This often happens with women who are particularly sweet-natured, bubbly, and really nice. If that’s a woman’s personality, that’s wonderful. There’s certainly nothing wrong with being sweet-natured. But sometimes when a woman like this gets nervous, she goes too far in that direction and starts coming across as motherly towards the man who is pursuing her.
For example, when she uses phrases like “That’s so sweet,” or, “You’re so cute,” or, “Aww. . .” it can make a man feel like you’re patronizing him. Like, “Aww, look at this sweet little boy who has a crush on me. He’s so adorable. Now go on and play with the other children. Go on, shew . . .”
Another way a woman accidentally acts condescendingly is by always telling the man how busy she is. Whenever he asks how she’s doing, she takes a deep inhale, and then explains how crazy work is and how her mother is acting wild and how her friends are a mess and . . . gosh, life is just so busy!
Oftentimes, however, she’s not that busy; she’s acting so busy as a defense mechanism. She’s afraid if she doesn’t act busy, he will assume she isn’t doing important things, and that she has no life. But when a man pursues a woman, and she keeps talking about how busy she is, a man often hears a woman saying, “Don’t ask me out. I really don’t have the time!”
The reality is, if you want to slow down in life and enjoy a relationship with a godly man, you need to project that pace to him right now. If you’re projecting this super-busy, always-texting, don’t-have-time-for-you woman-vibe, a man is going to assume you don’t want to settle down with him.
A Better Alternative: Project Availability
If you want a man in your life, you need to make space in your life for a man. When he talks to you, don’t just complain about how busy you are. Rather, talk about things you’ve done that you enjoyed. And talk about things you want to do.
1 Peter 3:4, “But let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.”
Mistake #4: Wanting Too Much Security Too Soon
It’s biblical to guard your heart (Proverbs 4:23), but love is always a risk. If you need a man to guarantee you something now about the distant future, this often pushes him away. I’m not saying you should risk getting crushed and emotionally devastated. But you do need to risk experiencing the uncomfortable feelings of not knowing how this will end.
If you can’t go on a date with a guy unless he makes you feel like God is guaranteeing marriage one day, then you will usually push him away (and you will attract players, because they are the only ones who rush things like that!).
Here are some common ways women do this:
- She might be way too sensitive about texting styles, “Oh, you didn’t text me back last night, so I assumed you didn’t want to talk anymore.”
- When they are starting to express interest, she might say, “I’ve been really hurt in the past. I think I could really like you a lot, but I don’t want to get hurt again.”
- When a man starts talking about dating, she says, “Once you get to know me, you’ll leave. Guys always leave when they get to know me.”
The reason she says these things is because she’s fishing for reassurance. She wants him to say, “No, trust me, I’m really serious. I want to be with you for a long time.” Ironically, if a man does say something like that, that can scare her too because then she starts to feel like he’s more serious than her.
A Better Alternative: Open Up Progressively
A lot of women get stuck in all-or-nothing thinking. They think you can either guard your heart and stay safe or be totally vulnerable and get wounded. They think you can either block a man completely or be totally open to his every advance.
The fact is, we all need to trust people in proportion to their trustworthiness. When you barely know a guy, but he seems genuine, open up enough to get to know him. You don’t need to fully open your heart yet. When you start dating, open up enough to be a girlfriend in a new relationship. You don’t need to act like a wife who’s been in a secure marriage for ten years.
Human relationships are always risky. Therefore, never put your ultimate security in another human. Only when you are trusting God are you free to be vulnerable enough to trust another person as relationships require.
Psalm 56:3-4, “When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?”
And here’s an in-depth video where I’ve compiled all my teachings about how God will reveal your future husband to you: