The Bible doesn’t use the word narcissist, but it certainly talks a lot about people who we would now label as narcissistic.
And while there are countless indicators that someone is narcissistic, I’m going to be focusing on some signs that happen specifically in marriage where one of the spouses is a true narcissist.
Also, I think it’s important to highlight that there’s a difference between having selfish or narcissistic tendencies compared to being a true, full-fledged narcissist.
In other words, I think we will all struggle with some of the things I’ll be talking about in this article because in one way or the other, we all struggle with some sort of selfishness. The real difference, however, is that a true narcissist will consistently walk in these sins, be over the top in their expressions of these sins, and have basically zero self-awareness about how despicable their behavior really is.
Lastly, this article is really just about identification. Before you can solve a problem, you need to first know what the problem is. So here’s another article called 4 Biblical Steps to Take When You Finally Realize Your Spouse Is a Narcissist.
1. Your Spouse May Be a Narcissist If They Treat You Like a Sacrificial Pawn
As partners, a husband and wife are supposed to help each other. We are supposed to sacrifice for each other. And we are supposed to help the other person accomplish their goals in life.
However, in a healthy marriage, everything I just said is mutual. And each sacrifice is freely chosen by the person who needs to make the sacrifice. In an unhealthy marriage where one of the spouses is narcissistic, all the sacrificing is one-sided, and instead of choosing to sacrifice, the non-narcissistic spouse is chosen to be sacrificed by the narcissistic spouse.
If a husband is a narcissist, he might treat his wife like a trophy to be shown off in public only when it benefits him. Or he might treat her like a sex object that has no feelings. If a wife is a narcissist, she might treat her husband like a cash-cow. Or she might demand all his emotional attention while never thinking about his emotional and sexual needs.
Narcissists worship themselves. And like the idol worship of old, idolaters make sacrifices to their gods. Thus, a narcissistic spouse will gladly sacrifice their husband or wife if it would benefit them somehow.
1 Corinthians 13:5 states that true love does not insist on its own way. A true narcissist always insists on his or her own way, no matter what it costs other people.
2. Your Spouse May Be a Narcissist If They Never Put Anyone Above Themselves
A true narcissist won’t just put themselves above their spouse. Rather, they will put themselves above everyone –boss, coworkers, parents, siblings, and even their own children!
However, as their spouse, you will have behind-the-scenes knowledge that no one else gets to see. While all narcissists are deranged, some are extremely crafty in how they put themselves first. They lie to their boss, they secretly abuse coworkers, they manipulate parental affection, they gaslight their siblings, and they do nice things for their children even though they are really serving themselves somehow in the process.
But as their spouse, you see the truth. Like I said, we’re all sinners. We all struggle with selfishness sometimes. A true narcissist, however, is totally incapable of ever obeying verses like Philippians 2:3-4, which states:
Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”
3. Your Spouse May Be a Narcissist If They Are Incapable of Ever Offering a Genuine Apology
It’s not possible to be married to a good person who never apologizes for anything. Why? Because while you could be married to “a good person,” you will never be married to a perfect person (Romans 3:23). The Bible is clear that no one is totally good in every way (Romans 3:10).
Theologically, we are all actually totally depraved. This doesn’t mean that we are as evil as we can be. Rather, the “total” part in this phrase is a reference to the fact that every part of who we are has some tinge of sin mixed in. Nothing we do is perfectly pure without Christ because, on our own, sin has spread completely, as a little leaven spreads through the whole dough.
Thus, it’s incorrect to say that healthy marriages don’t have problems. Rather, the health of a marriage is really determined by how the couple deals with the problems. Eventually, everyone needs to apologize to their spouse for something.
A narcissist, however, simply can’t do this. And even if they pretend to try to apologize, they taint it with some caveat that ruins it. For example, they might say something like:
- “Well, I can see you’re really hurt by what I said. While I don’t think I said anything wrong, I am sorry that you were hurt by the truth.”
- “Fine! I’m sorry! Happy now? You always need me to be the bad guy, don’t you? You’re such a jerk. But hey, I’m sorry! Okay! I’m sorry!!!!!” (They would be yelling this like a psycho.)
- “I’m really sorry I hurt you like that. You just really know how to push my buttons. In a way, you’re to blame for pushing me that far.”
A healthy person, on the other hand, apologizes in a spirit of humility. They know they are in need of undeserved grace. They don’t demand forgiveness. But they ask for it because they love you and they want to be reconciled.
A narcissist will never obey verses like James 5:16, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.”
4. Your Spouse May Be Narcissistic If They Are Extremely Threatened by You Having a Life
At first, their extreme need for you feels great. Perhaps it’s even what drew you to marry this person to begin with. Who doesn’t want to be desired by their spouse? But when this desire for you is flowing out of selfishness, it will manifest in preventing you from having any other interests in life besides this one person.
Do they stop you from ever seeing your friends? Do they get mad anytime you have a work obligation? Do they prevent you from seeing your family, even around the holidays? These are classic signs of a narcissist.
It’s all about them. You shouldn’t need any other friends, any other goals, or any other family members because, hey, you have this narcissist to be your everything! And so, what felt like passion at the beginning turns into a marital prison, blocking you from living a well-balanced life that includes anything beyond your spouse.
While your husband or wife should hold the first spot in your heart after God, a narcissist will want to hold all the spots in your heart because they think they are god. A healthy spouse is happy for you to have healthy relationships with other people. All Christians are meant to be a part of the body of Christ (1 Corinthians 12), which is comprised of so many different relationships, not just marriage.
This whole article was all about identifying a narcissistic spouse. I didn’t really give you any solutions to this terrible problem. So here’s the article where I cover that topic. It’s called 4 Biblical Steps to Take When You’re Married to a Narcissist
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