If you want to know if you’re married to a narcissist, you will want to read my article called 4 Biblical Signs You Are Married to a Narcissist.
In this article, I’ll be talking to spouses who feel like they already know they are married to a narcissist but don’t know what to do about it. Therefore, here are 4 biblical steps you can take if you’re married to a narcissistic person.
1. If You’re Married to a Narcissist, Forgive Them and Lovingly Try to Rebuke Them So Reconciliation Can Happen
Marriage is really hard because so many emotions are mixed into the relationship. And yet, although marriage is extremely messy, we can’t let our emotions cloud our vision from seeing and obeying the clear commands in Scripture.
Whenever someone sins against us personally, the Scriptures have given us very clear steps to take. In Matthew 18:15-20, Jesus tells us to lovingly confront this person one-on-one, with the hope of reconciliation. If that doesn’t work, we are to bring two or three witnesses and again confront this person about their sins against us. And if that doesn’t work, we are then to bring this issue to the church authorities. There’s one more step to take after that, but I’ll address that in point 2.
For now, I want to highlight the need for a spouse to confront their narcissistic partner with the process laid out in Matthew 18. The fact is, if you’re truly dealing with a narcissist, it’s highly unlikely that this person will repent. But you already knew that. You’ve been living with this person for years. And while you may not have done steps two and three in Matthew 18:15-20, you’ve certainly already shared enough with your spouse for them to know that they’ve hurt you. So why go through the charades of this three-step process?
First, you need to worry about your own obedience before you can really help anyone else. The Scriptures tell us to do this, so it’s always right to simply obey. Next, when we stand before God one day, he will judge us not on how our spouses treated us but on how we treated our spouses. Even if they never repent, God wants us to be the kind of people who tried to help save our spouses. Lastly, whenever you faithfully obey the Scriptures, you leave room for a miracle to take place.
And that truth is, for your narcissistic spouse to repent and change, they really do need a miracle. Remember, not only are you tortured by their narcissism, but they are also being tortured by it as well. You didn’t fall in love with a narcissist. You fell in love with a person who is being tortured by narcissism. They are a slave to sin right now, and the only way to truly help them is to faithfully obey the word of God yourself.
So whether they repent or not, you have to forgive them for your own sake and for the sake of your witness to them. You will never live with happiness if you are consumed by bitterness. Their sins against you lose control over you once you choose to forgive. No matter what, always forgive, as this is what Scripture requires (Matthew 6:14-15).
Now, while we must always forgive as Christians no matter how horrible the sins against us, we are not called to always reconcile. Reconciliation is the process of restoring the relationship to its state before the sins occurred. And according to Matthew 18:15-20, if someone does not repent after we go through the three-step process, we are not called to reconcile with them. Rather, we are told to treat them like an unbeliever.
Let’s unpack this more in Point 2.
2. If You’re Married to a Unrepentant Narcissist, Reclassify Them in Your Heart and Mind as a Ministry
The difference between a relationship and a ministry is that in a relationship, you are not only giving, but you are also taking. You don’t just offer emotional support, but you are also receiving emotional support. This is why the Scriptures are so clear about choosing our relationships carefully (1 Corinthians 15:33). We are told not to be friends with the world (James 4:4), meaning with people who are unsaved and living in sin.
But how are we to be a witness to people who are lost if we not supposed to be friends with the world? This is why it’s so important to realize the difference between a relationship and a ministry. Christians are not supposed to be unequally yoked with unbelievers, but we are supposed to minister to unbelievers. In a relationship, you give and you receive. In a ministry, your focus is just giving. You are not supposed to receive counsel, emotional support, and companionship from those people who are following Satan and need to be set free (2 Timothy 2:22-26). You can serve anyone, no matter how bad they are. But you are not to allow them to influence you.
So if you are married to a narcissistic spouse who is not willing to repent, the Bible tells you to treat them like an unbeliever (Matthew 18:17). Since you’re married, that doesn’t mean you can just leave them. 1 Corinthians 7:12-16 tells Christians not to divorce their unbelieving spouses unless that person wants the divorce. In that case, the Christian is free to let the unbelieving spouse go through with the divorce.
But in a situation where a Christian is married to a narcissist who doesn’t want a divorce, that Christian must start treating their spouse like an unbeliever. Even if they claim to be a Christian, you must reclassify them in your heart and mind. For your own sake, you will have to deal with them differently. You have to be guarded. You can’t trust them anymore. You can’t allow yourself to receive anything from them. They are purely a ministry to you now.
You must continue to give love, but you must not allow them to influence you. You have to accept that they are not capable of giving you love while they are still enslaved to their sins. You must accept that they are incapable of helping you in any way. All they can do is bring you down if you leave your heart open to their toxic influence.
They are no longer your marriage partner that you can depend on. They are now your marriage ministry that you are called to witness to. Witness to them by having healthy boundaries and still loving them. They won’t be changed by you beating them in manipulation and marriage wars. The only chance you have of actually helping them is showing them that you will not be led astray by them and you will keep loving them no matter what. Your radical devotion to God must manifest in your radical devotion to your totally unworthy spouse.
When they see that you are refusing to grow bitter towards them and you are willing to forgive them over and over because you are obeying Jesus (Matthew 18:22, 35), you are being the greatest witness to them for the gospel that they will ever encounter. You are giving them every chance to see Jesus and save their soul from hell.
And to be very clear, to show them your love for Christ, you are also going to show them that you won’t allow yourself to get abused any longer. You are going to forgive them repeatedly, offering them radical, unmerited grace, while also guarding your heart as Scripture commands (Proverbs 4:23). This may require a separation. I recommend talking to a professional Christian counselor or a wise pastor (not all pastors are wise) about this before making that choice.
To navigate this minefield of marriage toxicity in a biblical way, you will have to be supernaturally empowered by the Spirit. And this is what your spouse needs to see.
3. If You’re Married to a Narcissist, You Must Rely on Your Christian Community
So you’re not going to trust your heart to your spouse anymore. But you’re still going to care about their heart. This is going to be extremely lonely and difficult. Thus, you can’t do this alone. You need the body of Christ to help you!
Your relationship needs will be going unmet in your marriage. And while this can’t be replaced, and while this will be a wound you have to endure, there are ways to at least offset the lack of love from your spouse that you were designed to need.
While non-marriage relationships can’t replace what a spouse is meant to be, other people’s love can bring immense healing in your brokenness. I think 2 Timothy 2:22-26 is a very relevant passage here. Notice how we are to depend on other Christians and pursue Jesus with them, while also ministering to those who are controlled by Satan:
So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.”
Don’t endlessly fight with your narcissistic spouse. Seek Jesus with other Christians who also want to please the Lord. And when you have opportunities, lovingly and gently share your faith with your lost spouse, hoping that God might help them escape from the control of Satan.
4. If You’re Married to a Narcissist, Throw Yourself Onto the Mercies of Christ
What I’ve said in this article is impossible to do in our human strength. Indeed, to obey what the Holy Spirit as inspired to be written in the Bible, we must be filled with the Holy Spirit. Without Jesus, we have no hope, “I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing” (John 15:5).
If you’re truly married to a narcissist, this is one of the worst things that could have happened to you. And yet, in Christ, you can still thrive. You can still bring glory to God. You can still live a meaningful, full life with other people who love you. And you can have clean hands towards your spouse, knowing you did all that God asked you to do for them, regardless of how they respond.
But you must be fully dependent on Christ. Without him, we can do nothing. You’re not alone. God is with you.
Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.” (1 Peter 5:7-11)
Here’s a related article called 4 Biblical Signs You Are Married to a Narcissist.
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