Before I get started, I want to make clear that this isn’t about blaming the church as if it’s the enemy. I’m also not saying that the primary purpose of church is to help people get married. Ultimately, the church is God’s idea, and its primary purpose is to proclaim the gospel, disciple Christians, and glorify God.
Ideally, however, it should be a place for Christian singles to meet their future spouses. Sadly, due to a variety of factors that we’ll unpack in this article, I believe many churches, even good churches, have developed some blind spots that are making it hard for marriages to form. While I could make another article for why women are struggling to find godly men, today I will be focusing on why it’s hard for men to find a wife in the modern church.
Here are five ways certain church patterns can unintentionally contribute to Christian men staying single longer than necessary.
1. Some Churches Are Producing Unrealistic Expectations in Women About Men
Without biblical teaching on relationships, both men and women can form unrealistic standards. When a pastor stands up and tells the story of how he pursued his wife into marriage, he’s obviously going to leave out all the mistakes he made. He’s not going to mention the confusion he caused in the early phases of pursuit. He’s not going to admit if they crossed emotional or physical boundaries in dating.
This is why it’s so important for a preacher to preach from God’s word, and not just tell personal stories that entertain everyone. When the “sermon” is just about love stories, women may develop idealized expectations of a “perfect spiritual leader.”
While a man must meet a certain biblical standard before a woman should choose to marry him, life never unfolds like a Hallmark movie. Real life isn’t like a Hollywood-produced rom-com. I’ve never heard a sermon about how to handle sins before marriage, what can be repented of, and what’s a sign a breakup is needed. But I’ve heard a lot of sermons about how a man should pursue, lead, and be the knight in shining armor.
Scripture calls for discernment and truth in relationships, not fantasy. “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind” (Romans 12:2). While most of us think about not letting our minds get warmed by darkness, we also need to avoid getting warped by fantasy and unrealistic expectations.
When expectations go unchallenged by Scripture and wise counsel, men often feel they can never measure up—or they withdraw entirely because dating feels like trying to meet invisible standards that shift from woman to woman rather than being anchored in God’s unchanging word.
2. Some Churches Are Producing Elevated Images of Women That Men Feel They Will Never Be Worthy to Marry
Some church environments unintentionally place women on a pedestal. Not in a healthy “honor all people” way (1 Peter 2:17), but in a way that makes ordinary interaction feel intimidating or even discouraged. It’s commonplace for men to get beaten down from the pulpit while the women clap and say amen. But I don’t think I’ve ever heard a pastor critique women and then a man in the congregation say amen. But I’ve seen that happen multiple times the other way around.
Part of the reason for this is that modern women can’t handle a loving critique. If a pastor said anything negative about a trend in modern women, they would hear about it after the sermon. So rather than deal with the fallout of telling the hard truth, many pastors just cater to the women and only give them their flowers, while being much harder on the men.
When women are only presented as spiritually delicate, always “strong in faith,” or almost unrealistically pure, men can start believing they are not qualified to pursue anyone.
But the Bible presents men and women in the most realistic light. Some people in the Bible follow God faithfully, while others don’t. And some people in Scripture do well in one moment and then fail in the next. That applies to men and women.
When men internalize an unrealistic image of women because the church only elevates and never critiques the other half of the fallen human race, they may stop approaching altogether. Not because they lack desire, but because they assume they are disqualified from the start.
Healthy church culture should help men and women see each other as image-bearers (Genesis 1:27) who are in constant need of grace, not untouchable idols on a pedestal.
3. Some Churches Are Producing Insecure Men Instead of Spiritually Courageous Ones
A major issue in some church cultures is that men are rarely challenged to step into leadership. Instead, they are often taught to defer to the “professionals.” The layman-leadership category rarely exists in modern churches. If you didn’t go to seminary and you’re not getting paid by the church, you are rarely asked to lead anything in a significant way.
But Scripture repeatedly calls men to courage and strength in godliness: “Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love” (1 Corinthians 16:13–14).
When men are not given opportunities to lead, they’ll never learn how. And a lack of leadership is one of the main deficiencies in modern man, including when it comes to relationships.
The early church consistently developed leaders through responsibility (Acts 6:3 shows even deacons were chosen based on character and action, not just theory). Since our churches are so performance-based now, we are not giving younger men space to make mistakes, gain real experience, and grow through doing.
4. Many Churches Are Trying to Be “Cool” Instead of Being Biblically Clear About Relationships
In some churches, there is an understandable desire to not be “weird” about dating. But in trying to avoid legalism or awkwardness, some communities swing too far into silence or casual ambiguity.
So instead of biblical clarity about purity, marriage, and intentional relationships, everything becomes informal and undefined.
But Scripture is not vague about relationships. “Flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace” (2 Timothy 2:22).
When churches avoid clear teaching on dating, men are left to figure it out on their own—often through confusion, fear of rejection, or passivity. And then the bold but sinful men come in, pursue women, and wreak havoc.
Clarity about standards for dating in a biblical way is not legalism. Clarity is loving. Men thrive when they know what healthy pursuit looks like.
5. Some Churches Are Making Spiritually Fat Men
One of the most overlooked issues is that many men in church are given so much spiritual teaching that they are becoming spiritually obese. They are fed so much spiritual truth and required so little of that they never burn the spiritual calories they are receiving. They become entitled fans watching from the stands rather than active warriors who are joining in the fight.
But Scripture ties maturity to equipping and action: “to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ” (Ephesians 4:12).
Even Jesus trained his disciples by sending them out (Luke 9:1–2). Growth required doing.
But Remember This!
While I have highlighted some issues in modern churches, if you are a man of God, you must ultimately remember that radical personal responsibility is the path forward. Romans 14:12, “So then each of us will give an account of himself to God.”
Through the church, God will continue to proclaim the gospel. The church is never going to be perfect, and it doesn’t need to be. As men, we can never blame others for what is lacking in our own lives.
And in truth, the real reason churches become unhealthy is that individual men are making poor choices in their private lives. When individual men choose to follow Christ with all their hearts, they can come together and form healthy cultures in the church.
If you want to take personal responsibility for your spiritual growth, my newest book is for you. It’s called Masculinity on Mission: Reclaim what God Intended for Your Manhood.
