Many Christian men spend years praying for God to bring the right woman into their lives. But when a godly woman finally begins showing genuine interest, some men unintentionally sabotage the opportunity.
Knowing how to start pursuing is important. But knowing how to respond when a woman welcomes your pursuit is just as important. Here are four mistakes to avoid.
1. Don’t Stay Passive Because You’re Afraid of Rejection
Many men pray for clear signs from God. Then when a woman actually starts giving those signs, they still hesitate because they’re waiting for absolute certainty.
Maybe she starts conversations with you after church, responds quickly to your texts, laughs at your jokes, or finds reasons to be around you. Yet you convince yourself she’s “just being nice,” so you never ask her out.
Fear often disguises itself as wisdom.
A Better Alternative: Step Forward in Faith
You don’t need a guarantee that she will marry you before asking her on a date. If she’s inviting your pursuit, take the next appropriate step. Be respectful, be clear, and trust God with the outcome.
2 Timothy 1:7, “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”
2. Don’t Make Her Chase You
Sometimes men think acting mysterious or unavailable will increase a woman’s attraction. They intentionally wait days to respond, avoid initiating conversations, or make her do all the work.
While a woman may invite your pursuit, she usually doesn’t want to become the pursuer. I think it’s healthy for women to be proactive and send signals to a guy she wants to be pursued by. But if that man needs her to keep reassuring him and to keep inviting his pursuit, he’s being too passive.
A Better Alternative: Match Her Interest at First, and Then Exceed Her Expressed Interest When It’s Time
If she’s making room for you in her life, make room for her in yours. Reply when she reaches out. Start conversations if she’s started conversations with you. Make plans this time if she made plans last time.
However, while matching her energy is a good start, if she keeps responding positively, to pursue her, you need to exceed what she’s done for you. If she’s invited you to spend time with her friends, to pursue her, you need to do something more than invite her to spend time with your friends. You should ask her on a date. If she has shown obvious romantic interest, when the right time comes, you’re the one who needs to ask her to be your girlfriend. It’s a mistake to need her to keep chasing you.
Lead with confidence rather than playing games. If you want her to act like a woman towards you, you have to act like a man towards her. You each need to play your roles, “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them.” (Matthew 7:12)
3. Don’t Let Your Insecurity Turn into Self-Deprecation
A little humility is attractive. Constantly putting yourself down is not.
Some men respond to a woman’s encouragement by immediately criticizing themselves.
- Woman: “You did a great job leading that Bible study.” Man: “I completely messed it up.”
- Woman: “I think you should apply to that job. You’d be a great fit.” Man: “I’m such a loser. I’m sure they’ll reject me.”
- Woman: “I really enjoyed talking with you.” Man: “I’m sorry I was so awkward. I’m not very good with women.”
A woman wants to encourage you, not spend every conversation trying to convince you that you’re worthwhile.
A Better Alternative: Receive Encouragement Graciously
Simply say, “Thank you. I appreciate that.”
Receiving a compliment isn’t pride. It communicates emotional maturity and allows the other person to bless you. It will be hard for a woman to keep respecting you if you don’t have any respect for yourself.
Ephesians 4:29, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”
4. Don’t Demand Relationship Certainty Too Soon
When a man has been waiting a long time for marriage, it’s tempting to rush emotional intimacy once he finally meets a woman he’s connecting with.
For example, he might want to know where the relationship is headed after only a few conversations. He might start talking like they’re already a couple even though they barely know each other. He might be constantly fishing for reassurance that she still likes him even though she already clearly said she did.
This usually creates pressure, and pressure never results in a great emotional connection.
A Better Alternative: Build Trust One Step at a Time
A healthy relationship develops progressively. As trust grows, commitment should grow too.
You don’t have to protect yourself by staying emotionally distant, but you also shouldn’t expect girlfriend-level commitment before you’ve even begun dating.
Ultimately, your security must come from God rather than from another person’s response. That frees you to pursue confidently without placing unrealistic expectations on her.
Psalm 56:3, “When I am afraid, I put my trust in [God].”
