Kindness is a beautiful, godly trait. For example, 1 Corinthians 13:4 tells us that love is kind.
But like many good things, kindness can be misapplied. In dating, certain acts of kindness can unintentionally remove a man’s desire to pursue you.
Therefore, here are 4 kind things women often do that can actually stop a man from pursuing.
1. When She Does Too Much to Help His Pursuit, He Often Stops Pursuing
It’s good to help things along when you like a guy. If you’ve read my book called Invite Him: 16 Rules from Ruth to Help Your Future Husband Find You, you know that I’m a big believer that the Bible actually calls a woman to proactively help a man in his pursuit. However, throughout that book, I also show women the dangers of doing too much.
When a woman is too forward, it can inadvertently emasculate a man. A good man knows he’s supposed to be the pursuer. And while every man wants some confirmation from the woman that he has a chance with her, when a woman does too much, it makes the man feel like the woman is leading and pursuing him.
Additionally, when you step into that role for him, even out of kindness, you unintentionally train him to be passive. Instead of rising up and pursuing you, he relaxes and lets you carry the weight. So when a woman does too much, she either pushes a man away or attracts a passive man. Either way, she will be decreasing the chances of being pursued.
As Naomi coached Ruth, she showed her how to be proactive while also giving Boaz the chance to still lead. Ruth 3:4 states, “But when he lies down, observe the place where he lies. Then go and uncover his feet and lie down, and he will tell you what to do.”
A woman must find the beautiful balance of drawing a man in without being too forward.
2. When She Never Asserts Her Own Opinion and Always Defers to His Desires, This Actually Demotivates the Man from Pursuing
Another way women try to be kind is by being extremely agreeable. You let him pick everything. You don’t voice your preferences. You go along with whatever he wants because you don’t want to be difficult.
On the surface, this seems like humility and grace.
But in reality, it blocks the man from really connecting with you. When all you do is defer to his desires, you are closing yourself off from this man. He will feel your guardedness, or he will assume you are just a wallflower with no personality. While you might really like him and want him to be happy, he will eventually interpret your lack of opinions and desires as meaning you don’t care or aren’t willing to show him your true self. Or, he may assume you are just boring and don’t have a personality at all, which isn’t true, but that’s what it feels like when you always defer to a man’s desires.
While a godly man isn’t looking for a woman to lead him, he is looking for a woman who can be his partner (Genesis 2:18). For two people to be partners, they need to be able to communicate, bounce ideas off of each other, and disagree in healthy ways so they both see different perspectives that they couldn’t see without each other.
Relationships are meant to sharpen both people. Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”
If you never bring your own thoughts, standards, or perspective into the relationship, you’re not sharpening him—you’re just accommodating him.
In the end, a good man wants to be with a woman who is really sharing how she feels about things.
3. When You Mother Him, This Stops His Pursuit
This is one of the most common forms of misplaced kindness for women.
When you really care about a guy, it’s easy to start helping him like you would help someone you’re responsible for. You remind him of things. You fix his problems. You manage the details in his life.
You’re trying to be loving. But to a man, this often feels less like romance and more like parenting. While a wife should help her husband, the way she does so has a very different spirit from the way a mother helps her child. A child is a dependent. A man wants to be leading, while supported by a capable and valuable woman.
Also, if a man is drawn to you when you mother him, this is really bad because he is the type of man who will never satisfy you emotionally and romantically. When a woman steps into a mothering role, some men step into a childlike role. That dynamic kills attraction, both yours and his.
God’s design for marriage is a partnership, not a parent-child relationship. Ephesians 5:23 describes a husband as a leader, not as someone who is managed or raised by his wife.
Kindness expressed through motherliness enables immaturity. Kindness expressed through your feminine beauty arouses a man’s masculine power to lead and protect.
4. When You’re Afraid to Hurt Other Guys’ Feelings, This Pushes a Man Away
Many Christian women have a tender heart. You don’t want to hurt anyone. You don’t want to reject people harshly. You want to be loving and considerate. That’s a good desire.
But when you’re so afraid of hurting a man’s feelings that you avoid clear boundaries, it creates confusion—and often prevents the right man from pursuing you.
For example, perhaps you have a “best friend” who’s a guy. While you told this guy you would never date him, you also don’t want to hurt him, and so you keep allowing him a special place in your life. Other men will avoid you because they don’t want to be with a woman who has a guy as a best friend.
Or perhaps when you were single, you had a bunch of guys texting you who seemed to be pursuing you. But now you have a boyfriend. Instead of telling those guys you have a boyfriend, you might feel bad and keep responding to their texts. A good man isn’t going to want to be with a woman who is texting a bunch of other guys.
While Ephesians 4:15 tells us to speak kindly, it also tells us to speak the truth. When you want to be with a man, you have to put him above other guys’ feelings. If you’re too nice to every guy, you are actually being unkind to the man you care most about.
For more on this topic, you may want to check out my book, Invite Him: 16 Rules from Ruth to Help Your Future Husband Find You.
