Perhaps one of the best and most confusing pieces of Christian dating advice is “never settle.”
In one sense, the wisdom of this advice is self-evident. As Christians, we have been given standards we must not compromise on, and the Holy Spirit will empower us to follow them. We must also remember how good God is, and thus we must not lose faith and start to date or marry someone we know God does not actually want us to be with.
On the other hand, this advice of “never settle” can lead some Christians to set unrealistic demands that no human can meet. While Christians must look to Jesus as our ultimate example, we must also not expect to find someone as good as Jesus himself. There’s only one Messiah! Jesus died on the cross and rose again precisely because none of us are good enough in our own strength to truly please God perfectly.
So to help you know the difference between the healthy and unhealthy application of this relationship advice to “never settle,” here are 4 signs that usually mean the Lord is actually trying to prevent you from settling for the wrong person.
1. If the Holy Spirit Is Convicting You in Your Heart About Something Specific This Person Is Doing, This Is a Sign He Is Trying to Protect You from Settling
One of the primary ways God speaks is through the Holy Spirit’s conviction in our hearts. Don’t just assume your worries are just a lack of faith. Don’t assume you are nervous for no reason. It is certainly wise to get confirmation and to not make big decisions on a whim based upon mixed feelings that come and go. However, if you know in your heart what the Holy Spirit is actually saying but have been putting it off because you are hoping your feelings will change, you must eventually just submit to what the Lord is saying through inner warnings you sense.
One way to know if you’re just experiencing normal anxiety about the unknowns with this person or if the Holy Spirit is really warning you is to pay attention to the specifics. If you feel worried or fearful but you don’t know why, that’s not a strong sign the Spirit is warning you. If, however, you know this person is not a Christian, they are pushing for sexual sin, they are pulling you away from God, and you sense the Spirit pointing this out to you, that’s the Spirit’s warning.
Never play mental gymnastics to make your bad feelings mean something good or to make the red light look like a green light, even when everyone around you is telling you otherwise.
Psalm 32:8-9, “I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you. Be not like a horse or a mule, without understanding, which must be curbed with bit and bridle, or it will not stay near you.”
2. If God Has Not Given You a Healthy Excitement About Someone Who Likes You, This Is a Sign He Is Trying to Protect You from Settling
When you read through the Song of Solomon, you can see that God did design emotions and feelings to be an important part of a romantic relationship.
In Song of Solomon 2:2, the man says, “As a lily among brambles, so is my love among the young women.” In the next verse, the woman responded, “As an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men” (Song of Solomon 2:3).
To our modern ears, this may sound more like two gardeners talking, but trust me, in the time of Solomon, this was pure romance. They are both saying to each other that, compared to all the other men and women out there, they want only each other.
My point is that when God does want you with someone, your emotions will eventually cooperate. It might not happen right away. It’s wise to get to know someone to see if your feelings might grow or fade. But eventually, if God wants you with someone, you will have a healthy emotional excitement about this person that keeps growing.
If those feelings never come, this is a sign the Holy Spirit is trying to protect you from settling.
3. A Prolonged Season of Rejecting People Who Are Not Walking with the Lord Is a Sign God Is Protecting You from Settling for the Wrong Person
Relationships are hard for everyone, but for Christians it is especially hard to find someone because there will always be fewer people living in the light of Christ than there are people living in darkness. As Jesus said in Matthew 7:13-14:
Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.”
While these verses refer to salvation, their implications for relationships mean that Christians will have fewer fellow Christians to date and marry. Therefore, we should expect long seasons of having to say “no” to people who want to date us but who are not walking in the light.
If you date people who are not walking with the Lord, this is settling for less than God’s best (2 Timothy 2:22).
4. If God Is Highlighting Sinful Seeds in Someone’s Life that You Know Will Grow Into Huge Problems in the Future, This Is a Sign God Is Trying to Protect You from Settling for the Wrong Person
The Holy Spirit will not lead us to judge people, but he will give us healthy discernment. Life is always progressive, meaning that who you are today will not be who you are tomorrow. We are constantly changing bit by bit. We will either be changing for good or for evil, but we will never remain exactly the same in life.
This is important to accept because if you see a small sin issue in someone’s life now, you must remember that this will not remain a small issue forever. Eventually, those seeds of sin will grow into wild weeds that will completely take over. As Galatians 6:7 teaches us, “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.”
Therefore, if the Holy Spirit is showing you issues in someone’s life that you know will only get worse as time goes on, he is showing you these things now as a sign to prevent you from settling.
