Luke 6:31
Here are 4 common things God will warn you about when you are encountering a narcissistic person.
- Love Bombing
Love bombing is a term that means someone showers praise, gifts, and all kinds of signs of affection during an intense, rapid period of time. Some people love bomb because they don’t have lots of relationship experience or self-control and thus they just do too much too soon. So not all love bombers are narcissists. But narcissists intentionally use love bombing for a variety of selfish reasons.
- Love bombing makes it easier for you to want to idolize them. They can get a high off of being seen as the perfect person.
- Love bombing is often a setup to make you more willing to give them parts of yourself that you would normally not give away so quickly.
- Love bombing is often a sign of a shallow, self-centered relationship that is focused on the present and has no concern for the future. They just want to use you now so they can move on later.
Proverbs 27:6 states, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.” A biblical proverb is not the same as a biblical promise. Rather, a proverb is a statement in the Bible meant to teach us a biblical principle that occurs often in life. One principle taught in Proverbs 27:6 is that those who really love you won’t always flatter you and shower you with gifts. A person who really loves you will be kind, but they will also be willing to say hard things to you if they know you need to hear them.
This doesn’t mean a good friend will always be wounding you and an enemy will always be nice to you. This proverb is teaching a principle that true love doesn’t always take just one form – like love bombing. When someone is just showering praise on you and never expresses love in any other kind of mature way, this is actually a bad sign and means they probably have a hidden motive of manipulation behind their disingenuous behavior towards you.
- Gaslighting
One definition of relationship gaslighting is, “a form of psychological abuse where a person or group makes someone question their sanity, perception of reality, or memories. People experiencing gaslighting often feel confused, anxious, and unable to trust themselves.”1
Narcissist are often very charismatic people because they have learned how to be the center of attention whenever possible. They are often very good in social settings, have a good understanding of people, and can express themselves very well verbally. None of these traits are bad, but when a narcissist uses these skills in relationships, often the outcome is gaslighting. Here are some common examples of a narcissist gaslighting you:
- A narcissist will gaslight you by arguing with you so long that you get mentally tired and confused and then you forget the whole point of the argument and now you just feel like a failure.
- A narcissist will gaslight you by bringing up your past mistakes to justify their current verbal, emotional, or even physical abuse.
- A narcissist will gaslight you by constantly challenging your recollection of events so much that you actually begin to doubt your own memory of what did or did not happen.
- A narcissist will attach their own meaning to your actions. They will point out your behavior which you can’t argue with but they will claim they know your motive for why you did what you did or said what you said. You will often be convinced and then start believing you are terrible person who did those things with an evil motive when in reality it was just a genuine misunderstanding or difference of opinion.
- A narcissist will be easily offended and they will put the burden of responsibility for their feelings onto you. They will make you feel like you are a careless person who is constantly hurting them even when you are not. This person is just being super sensitive.
- A narcissist will gaslight you by totally denying obvious truths that they don’t want to admit to because it makes them look bad. You will begin to doubt if your understanding of the facts is correct because they are denying these facts so adamantly.
When someone is willing to deny reality, omit relevant facts, and make wild accusations that have no bases in truth, there is no hope of having a healthy relationship with this type of person. As Proverbs 26:12 states, “Do you see a man who is wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him.”
- Ghosting and Then Returning
Perhaps one of the most common things that happens in relationships that is super painful is ghosting. Things are going great, and then all of a sudden, with no explanation, this person you thought you had something with just disappears.
Not all people who ghost you are narcissists. They can have other character issue that are causing this rude behavior. But narcissists are often prone to use ghosting very often because they are completely detached from other people and really only care about themselves. It’s easy for them to cut you off because they are so self-absorbed that it’s simple for them to move on without you.
But what often happens is that whenever this narcissist feels like dabbling again, they just pop back into your life like nothing happened. They also do this to show you that they hold the power in the relationship and will leave you whenever they feel like it so you better do what they want.
When someone ghosts you, let them go. They are showing they don’t really care about you. They are also showing they have low character because someone with high character is willing to be respectful to others even when they know they are not going to have a future with this person any more. A mature adult will at least have one last conversation with you to explain why they think it is best to part ways and no longer speak.
Mature Christians keep it simple and live by the golden rule. As Jesus said, “And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them” (Luke 6:31).
- Guilt Tripping
A narcissist craves control. One way they try to get control of you is by guilt tripping you. They will try to make you feel bad about yourself or they will try to make you feel bad for them so that you will be more willing to do what they want you to do. For example:
- A narcissist will complain that they love you more than you love them as a way of getting you to do what they want.
- A narcissist will accuse you of doing hurtful things towards them even when you didn’t so that they can have the upper hand in the relationship.
- A narcissist will bring up your past mistakes as leverage in present arguments or when you two have opposing desires so that the scales will be tipped in their favor.
- A narcissist will by hyper focused on their challenges in life and complain to you all the time in hopes you will feel bad for them and serve them.
A mature Christian, however, will seek to obey what is said in Philippians 2:3-4, “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”