Just because a lot of Christians give a certain piece of marriage advice doesn’t mean that this advice is good. Sometimes you end up hearing advice so often that you just assume it must be helpful because so many people are saying it. I’ve found that to be a mistake.
Today, I’m going to examine 5 common marriage tips given by Christians to see if they’re actually biblical and wise.
Bad Tip #1: Never Go to Bed Angry
This marriage advice sounds biblical because Ephesians 4:26-27 states, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.” However, the advice to “never go to bed angry at each other” is way too literal an application of this verse.
Early in our marriage, we followed this advice religiously. There were times when we would stay up all night, trying to solve an argument. Eventually we realized this was not fruitful. When we stayed up late, our emotions, reasoning skills, and energy levels were at their worst, not their best. Rather than really finding a healthy solution, hearing what the other person said, and trying to truly forgive and reconcile where needed, we ended up making the problem worse because of the dumb things we would say in the heat of the argument.
With that said, Ephesians 4:26-27 is still incredible advice for marriage. The meaning, however, shouldn’t be applied so legalistically. It’s not literally saying, “Don’t ever go to bed angry.” In fact, if you want to actually apply this verse literally, you would need to solve your anger before sundown, not just before going to bed.
The real point of this passage is that you must never let your anger fester. Never let your anger towards your spouse go unresolved. That’s why in just a few verses later, we’re told to always forgive as God in Christ forgives us (Ephesians 4:32).
But sometimes, after a good night’s rest, you might wake up with a new perspective. There are even times when you both might realize you’re not even angry anymore now that you’ve had some time to process the situation. While it’s biblical to talk about a problem, it’s also biblical to just let it go, forgive, and move on. Proverbs 19:11, “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.” If you can’t overlook it and move on, then talk about it. But sometimes if you just reset your emotions, you can let it go and move on without turning every little problem into WW3.
So yes, don’t let your issues linger longer than necessary. Always work towards forgiveness and reconciliation. But sometimes, it’s healthy to just go to bed and deal with your marriage spat the next day so you don’t make the problem worse by forcing a solution before either of you are really ready to receive it.
Bad Tip #2: Your Spouse Is Your Other Half
This advice sounds biblical because Genesis 2:24 states, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” If two people combine to form one, they both equal half, right?
Not exactly. The oneness here is not referring to a math equation. It’s talking about the oneness of being a pair. When you have a pair of socks, each sock isn’t cut in half to form one. You have two whole socks. Marriage is a partnership, a single entity that is composed of two people. This verse is not saying a husband and wife are incomplete souls without each other.
Remember, Genesis 2:24 comes before Genesis 3. And Genesis 3 is where sin entered the picture. When God gave Adam and Eve to each other, they were both right with him still. When God said that it was not good for Adam to be alone (Genesis 2:18), Adam was fully whole in God. This wasn’t a statement that Adam’s personhood, soul, or body was literally incomplete without Eve.
The reason it’s a bad idea to think your spouse is your literal other half is that it will tempt you to think you need them to act right for you to act right. Their feelings will start controlling your feelings. It will be like two half-empty batteries trying to charge each other. You will just drain each other!
To be one in your marriage, both the husband and the wife must first be whole in Christ. Only when your relationship with God is right can your relationship with your spouse be right.
Bad Tip #3: Happy Wife, Happy Life
This advice can sound biblical because Ephesians 5:25 states, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her . . .” But what is love? Is love doing whatever makes someone happy? Is that how Christ loves us?
According to the prosperity gospel and modern churches that tell people what they want to hear, God’s love is always expressed through health, wealth, and prosperity. And so, naturally, if a husband is to love his wife like Christ loves his church, then it makes sense to think that it’s the husband’s job to keep his wife happy at all costs.
That’s not real love, though. Real love isn’t about giving someone whatever they want no matter what. Real love is doing what’s best for that person no matter the cost to yourself (John 15:13). If a wife is being demanding, wants something that is unwise, or is manipulating the husband, it wouldn’t be loving for him to comply.
Additionally, when a husband has zero backbone and never actually disagrees with his wife because he’s afraid of her getting mad, she actually loses respect for him. While a husband should always seek to be gentle and kind towards his wife (Colossians 3:19), if he’s actually just a big pushover, he’s not leading his wife, and thus she will not naturally respect him. She will become anxious because she will feel like she’s leading (which she’s not designed to do) and that her husband isn’t capable of fulfilling his biblical role as the head of the family.
Also, this advice is so bad because it makes it seem like the husband is responsible for the wife’s happiness. But one person’s internal joy can never be controlled by another person. A man could give his wife everything she ever wanted, but if she is not rejoicing in the Lord (Philippians 4:4), she will always be miserable (Psalm 16:2).
Lastly, this elevates the wife’s needs over the husband’s. While the husband should put the wife above himself, the wife should also be putting the husband above herself (Philippians 2:4). If he’s always putting her first, but she doesn’t do that for him, bitterness and exhaustion will take root in the relationship.
So yes, a husband should definitely seek to bring joy to his wife, serving her, and loving her like Christ loves the church. But sometimes he has to lead in ways that the family won’t always love. And while he must lay down his life for his wife, so too must she show that love for him in her own way (Titus 2:4).
Bad Tip #4: Wait to Have Kids Because You Have So Much Time
While I don’t think it’s bad to wait to have kids, I do think this advice is often overapplied or said in a way that creates problems. I don’t think there is anything unbiblical about a husband and wife waiting so they can bond together before having kids. But when older couples tell younger couples to wait to have kids, it comes off like kids will ruin your marriage.
Also, this advice can tempt a couple to think that the point of marriage is to just enjoy romance. While that is definitely a part of the blessing of marriage, a biblical marriage is meant for much more than that. The healthiest couples are not the ones who just try to hold onto the romance they had when they first met. Rather, they stay healthy by choosing to serve together, by allowing their love to expand beyond themselves.
While having children is a huge sacrifice, it is also an even bigger blessing. Through serving, your life takes on even greater purpose and meaning. While kids do create stress on a marriage, that stress is also meant to bring the couple even closer together. When a husband and wife become parents together, they embark on a whole new adventure that deepens their connection with each other.
So I encourage young married couples to have children sooner than they will feel ready. Again, I don’t think it’s wrong to wait. Each couple should pray and follow the Lord’s leading. I’m not saying everyone has to be on the same timeline. But if you’re waiting until you feel ready, you’ll always be waiting. And if you’re waiting because you think kids will ruin your marriage, your inward-focus on each other will actually be what ruins your relationship. Selfishness will rot the marriage from the inside out. Love thrives in an environment of sacrifice. And parenting is a wonderful sacrifice!
Psalm 127:3-5, “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!”
Bad Tip #5: If You Fall Out of Love, Your Marriage Is Over
This advice sounds biblical because we all know love is obviously a core ingredient to a healthy marriage. But the term “fall out of love” is not biblical. While love involves feelings, it is ultimately a choice, not just a feeling.
Many people think that the feeling of love must fuel the commitment in marriage. But in the healthiest, long-lasting marriages, couples realize that commitment is what ultimately fuels their feelings. Marriage is a covenant, not a feeling. But when you both honor the covenant and choose to love each other in word and deed, the feelings are fed the nutrition they need to grow.
Thus, commitment causes the feelings to be there too! Being led by feelings, however, always leads to broken commitments.
Malachi 2:15-16 states, “Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? . . . So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless.”
Click here to subscribe to the AGW for Marriage YouTube channel!