5 Biblical Ways to Increase Your Sexual Intimacy in Marriage

Believe it or not, the Bible does directly give instructions about sex in marriage. And the main message regarding sex in marriage is the main message regarding marriage in general: focus more on giving than on taking.

Therefore, here are 5 truths the Bible gives about marriage and sex that will help your intimacy flourish.

1. The More You Give, the More You Get

Notice in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 that Paul instructs each spouse not to focus on his or her own rights, but on the other spouse’s rights:

The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

Nowhere in the Bible does it say “husbands take your rights” or wives “demand what is rightfully yours.” The emphasis on every command to spouses is always to “you” and not on “them”. Husbands are commanded to do things for wives. They’re not commanded to make their wives do things for them. Wives are commanded to do things for their husbands. They are not commanded to make their husbands do things for them.

Rather than instructing spouses to focus on their own needs, Paul takes the opposite approach. He says “husbands should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband” (1 Corinthians 7:3). Next he states “Do not deprive one another” (1 Corinthians 7:5). Again, the whole perspective is viewed not in demanding your own rights, but in making sure you give the other person their rights (Philippians 2:3-4).

The more concerned you are in your marriage about the other person’s needs, the easier it will be for that person to be concerned about your needs, including when it comes to having more sex. (Of course, this selflessness can be abused if only one spouse is seeking to obey what the Scriptures state. But more on that in the points ahead.)

In marriage, however, there is usually one spouse who wants sex more (usually the husband). So what’s a Christian man or woman supposed to do if he or she wants more sex but the other spouse is not offering it?

2. “Do Not Deprive One Another” Still Applies to the Spouse Who Desires More Sex in His or Her Christian Marriage

1 Corinthians 7:3-5 not only means the person with the lesser sex drive should be careful not to deprive the spouse with the greater sex drive. It also means that if the person with the greater sex drive does not use that drive to sexually pursue the other spouse, they are depriving that other spouse of his or her rights. Each spouse’s sex drive belongs to the other.

God made sex to benefit a Christian marriage. It connects a Christian husband and wife in a special way. When sex doesn’t happen on a regular basis, the couple’s connection will suffer. Thus, perhaps God has paired you with a spouse with a lower sex drive so she or he can benefit from your greater sex drive. If you stop pursuing sex even though you want to have sex with your spouse, you are disobeying 1 Corinthians 7:5 just as much as a spouse who has a lesser sex drive and denies their spouse sex.

Additionally, it makes sense that men typically desire more sex because God has made the man to be the leader, the pursuer, and the head within the marriage (Ephesians 5:23-24). Therefore, the husband denies his wife’s rights to his body when he does not go to her for sexual satisfaction. His desire for more sex should benefit them both. If he goes to any source other than his wife for more sex, this damages the Christian marriage.

This is why masturbation is sinful. Masturbation is condemned through what’s condoned. The only sexual acts acceptable to God are those that happen between a husband and wife. It is impossible to fulfill 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 if a spouse’s greater sex drive is satisfied through masturbation rather than through pursuing sex with one’s spouse. You are denying your spouse if you pursue any other sexual experience that does not include her or him.

3. The Best Way to Bless Yourself Is to Bless Your Spouse

To receive the blessing of more sex in your Christian marriage, you must seek to bless your spouse. The best way to have more sex is to put your spouse’s needs above your own.

When you read Ephesians 5:22-33, there is no denying that husbands and wives are to serve one another in their marriage. And throughout the pages of the Bible, you find that this type of sacrificial love not only benefits the one being loved, but the one giving the love as well:

• “In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” (Ephesians 5:28)
• “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” (Acts 20:35)

While verses like this are not directly talking about having more sex in your Christian marriage, the biblical principle presented here carries over into the marriage bed. The more you serve your spouse, the more you are blessing yourself. The more loved they feel by you, the more sex they will want to have with you.

4. Self-Centered Sexual Pursuits Always Lead to Less Sex In Your Christian Marriage, Not More

Put simply, if you want to have more sex in your Christian marriage, you must avoid sexual sin.

Selfish husbands and wives always reap less sex in their Christian marriage. All forms of sexual sin (adultery, porn, masturbation, lustful fantasies) are ultimately expressions of selfishness. And nothing kills your spouse’s desire for sex more than your desire to use them in a selfish way. The more sexual sin you indulge in, the more difficult you are making it for your spouse to want to be with you because sexual sin fosters your selfish personality, which is an incredible turnoff.

For example, if a husband wants more sex but has a selfish mentality in sex, which is usually fueled through the fallacy in which porn depicts sex, ironically he repels his wife with his selfish personality and ends up with less sex in marriage. Women are attracted to men who act like real men (1 Corinthians 16:13-14).

While the visual presentation of a man is still important to her, the way a man treats a woman will be the biggest factor in whether or not she finds him attractive. Therefore, selfish husbands simply don’t move the needle for their wives.

Husbands are truly doing themselves a favor when they place their wives’ emotional, physical, relational, and spiritual needs as one of their top priorities (Ephesians 5:28).

5. When You Stop Demanding More Sex, You End Up Reaping the Benefits in Your Christian Marriage

Those who get entrenched in lust are the ones who have the least amount of loving sex in their marriage. God can’t bless an unholy marriage bed, “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous” (Hebrews 13:4)

Matthew 16:25 is about following Jesus, but the principle relates to the blessings you want from God too, “For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.” When you give up your selfish desires, you will find the life you actually crave.

Sometimes we need to let our demands for more sex go so we can free our spouse from feeling our unholy pressure on her or him. When we “give up our life,” that’s when we truly gain it. Being generous with someone else almost always reaps more blessings for yourself compared to being selfish (Proverbs 11:24).

Put simply, if you want more sex in your Christian marriage, stop pursuing sex so hard and start pursuing your spouse more with genuine love. Sex is a natural overflow of a healthy marriage relationship. If you put sex first, you get less sex. When you put the relationship with your spouse first, the sex naturally increases.