“I used to get asked out all the time. What’s changed?” “It’s been years since I’ve been on a date. What gives?” “Why does it seem so easy for some women to get a date and so hard for me?”
Each woman’s story is different, so it’s not always possible for someone like me to give you the correct answer without hearing the specific details of your life. And even then, sometimes there’s nothing you could do differently to get a date. Sometimes it’s just not God’s will for you right now and he will give you a date when the right man comes along.
However, at other times, there are some common reasons women struggle to get asked out by men. Here are 4 reasons to consider.
1. Men May Not Be Asking You Out Because You Are Hiding Yourself
Some women may not mean to be hiding themselves, but they are doing this unintentionally. Other women know they are hiding themselves because there is some specific issue that is motivating them to do so.
Either way, a man cannot see you if you are hiding. What do I mean by hiding? You can hide yourself in at least two ways. First, you can literally “hide” yourself from single men by avoiding places where they could get to know you and ask you out. If you spend too much time at home alone or only with the same groups of people, it’s not possible for new Christian single men to make a connection with you.
At other times, however, women are living a very active lifestyle where Christian single men do see them but they are hiding emotionally. They sense when things might be leading to a relationship and then they intentionally disappear emotionally which then causes the man to stop his pursuit.
Ruth became visible to Boaz by becoming an active member in the community of Bethlehem (Ruth 1). And not only that, she was emotionally available to connect with Boaz on a deeper level (Ruth 2-4).
If you want a man to ask you out, you have to be physically visible and emotionally present.
2. Men May Not Be Asking You Out Because You Are Taking on the Wrong Role in Their Life
As humans, we have different roles we can play in the lives other people. For women, the obvious roles are daughter, sister, wife, and mother. Then there are roles like friend, coworker, boss, or service worker at your job.
Naturally we all tend to categorize each other into a particular area of our lives. Do you remember when you were a kid and you saw one of your teachers at the grocery store or at some other place outside of school? Wasn’t it really odd? We saw them as out teachers, not a normal human who lives a normal life.
If you inadvertently start filling the wrong role in a man’s life, the same thing can happen to him when he sees you. To think of you outside of that role will be odd to him.
For example, you have to be careful you don’t project too many motherly instincts towards him. He might appreciate your support, but he will struggle to feel romantic towards you. You have to be careful you don’t turn into his counselor. He might appreciate your advice, but he won’t see you as girlfriend material. If you have business dealings with this man, you will have to connect with him outside of the workplace if you hope to be something more with him.
When Boaz first started interacting with Ruth, it appears he saw her more as a sister in need. It was only after she made a romantic move did Boaz realize they could be something more (Ruth 3:9).
3. Men May Not Be Asking You Out If You Are Spending All Your Time with a Guy Who Is Scaring Other Men Away from You
As I’ve talked about in my article called Can Single Men and Women Really Be Just Friends?, I think men and women should be friends but it is generally unwise for them to be really close friends or “best friends.”
Usually when a single man and woman are really good friends, one of them has strong romantic feelings for the other person but the feelings are not mutual. Instead of ruining the connection they have because of the mismatch in feelings, they settle into being “best friends” or “really good friends.”
This creates a lot of problems. The fact is, most Christian single people don’t need a best friend from the opposite sex. What they are really looking for is a spouse who can also be their best friend. Therefore, this friendship that will never turn romantic is only hindering the two of them from meeting their future spouses and moving towards what they really want.
If you are in a situation like this, not only is your heart being preoccupied with a connection that is not going to lead to romance, but this guy friend in your life is probably keeping other men from pursuing you. When other guys see you with this friend, they will naturally assume you both like each other and thus they won’t pursue you.
Boaz started to pursue Ruth once he knew for certain she was not already taken (Ruth 3:10-13).
4. Men May Not Be Asking You Out Because They Sense You Don’t Want Them to Ask You Out
Humans have an amazing ability to pick up on the unspoken. So much of our communication is nonverbal. If you have competing desires in your heart, meaning a part of you wants to be asked out by a man but another part of you doesn’t, men will pick up on that part of you resisting their pursuit and stay away.
Maybe you want to find love again but you’ve been really hurt in the past. Maybe you want a man to pursue you but you are also really afraid of getting rejected. Or maybe you want to be a wife but you also feel unworthy because of your past mistakes.
Whatever is competing with your good desires for a Christian relationship, address those issues. You have a much better chance of getting asked out by men when you start wanting to be asked out by them. When you want something, you tend to make decisions that help you get it and gravitate towards situations that make this outcome more likely to occur.
Of course, in the end, it all comes down to following the Lord. Seek his guidance on what you should and should not do to get into a relationship. He will guide you! (Proverbs 3:5-6).
