Were you in a relationship that started out strong but then went bad really fast? Or are you currently in a relationship that you are having second thoughts about?
Sometimes it’s not that you “fell out of love” with someone. Rather, it’s possible you were never actually in love with this person in the first place.
Therefore, here are 5 signs that usually mean you were never in love to begin with.
(And as a quick sidenote, if you are married, I’m not saying you are free to divorce if you relate to these signs. I’m primarily talking to non-married people, but I know many married people will be able to relate to some of these points. Thus, if you feel like you lack love for your spouse because of one of the reasons listed here, I encourage you to seek counsel so you can learn to love your spouse as God desires.)
1. If You Never Understood What True Love Is According to the Bible, It’s Possible You Never Loved This Person to Begin with
When talking about love as Christians, we can get a bit confused since there are different forms of love. For example, as Christians, in one sense, we are to love everyone (Matthew 22:39). This type of love is a choice. It’s doesn’t need to include warm affections. For example, when we are called to love our enemies, this does not mean we are called to enjoy our enemies’ company and want to be close friends with them (Matthew 5:43-48).
While romantic love will need to include Christian love and it still involves a choice, it is optional in the Bible and not required (1 Corinthians 7:36). So when we are talking about “true romantic love,” we are talking about something different than pure Christian love that is simply a choice.
Biblical romantic love involves your personal desires and your committed sacrifice, meaning you not only choose to offer Christian love to this person but you also want to offer romantic love that involves commitment.
Thus, if you never understood this and you just chose to love someone because it felt like the right thing to do but you didn’t really want to be romantic with them, this is a sign you never met the biblical standard for romantic love in the first place.
2. If You Were Just Infatuated with This Person Because Your Personal Desires Took Over, This Is a Sign You Never Truly Loved This Person to Begin with
In point 1, we discussed the danger of only seeing the moral side of love. But now we also need to point out the danger in only valuing the personal desires involved in romantic love.
In other words, if your love for this person is devoid of Christian commitment, sacrifice, and choice and you only really wanted to be with this person because of strong emotions and passions, usually this means it was just infatuation, not true love.
Emotions come and go. To have a true biblical love that is romantic, you have to want this person and choose to keep wanting this person. For example, Proverbs 5:18 states, “. . . rejoice in the wife of your youth . . .” How can we be commanded to rejoice in someone? Isn’t joy an uncontrollable emotion? Apparently not. When it comes to Christian romance in marriage, it’s a feeling and a choice.
Thus, if you are only ruled by your emotions, it can never be true Christian love.
3. If You Chose to Stay Connected to This Person Because of an Unexpected Bond, Usually This Means You Never Loved This Person to Begin with
Sometimes two people get connected to each other in a way that is more serious than they were ready for. Maybe you unwisely combined your finances with someone, or maybe you started living together, or maybe you had a child out of wedlock with this person. When you get connected in ways that are designed for marriage but you are not yet married, oftentimes this leads to staying with someone you never loved to begin with.
Just because you have combined finances or had a child with someone and now your lives are deeply connected, this is still not a biblical reason to marry someone you don’t love. You will need be wise and respectful if you’ve created bonds with someone you shouldn’t have. You need to still take care of your responsibilities together. But you will also still need obey the Bible. Don’t allow connections on this earth to cause you to stay in an unbiblical relationship that you should never have been in the first place (2 Corinthians 6:14).
4. If You Had Premarital Sex with Someone and Now You Can’t Let Them Go, This Usually Means You Never Loved This Person
It might feel like love to you. Your heart might be aching because you miss this person so much. But oftentimes you feel like this not because you actually love them but because you got connected to them in deeply intimate ways through premarital sex.
God gave us sex so we can connect with our spouses in the safety of marriage. Your supposed to only have sex with your spouse because you are never spouse to leave your spouse and they never supposed to leave you (Hebrews 13:4-5).
When you have sex with someone and then they are gone, the pain will be immense and ultimately it will deceive you into thinking you loved that person. Really, however, you were just connected through sex, which is not love.
To be free of this pain, you have to repent of the sexual sin. In time, you will lose those painful bonds and be free.
5. If the Relationship Was Rushed in the Beginning Due to Impatience, It’s Possible You Never Loved This Person to Begin with
When describing love in 1 Corinthians 13, verse 4 famously begins with, “Love is patient . . .” When “love” is impatient, it was never true love to begin with. If you rushed into a relationship because this person was pressuring you or because you were infatuated or because you had a worldly desire that you were idolizing – in short, when the relationship began with impatience, it often means there was never true love to begin with.
