When you start dating someone, how will you really know if they are the person God wants you to marry?
The Lord will certainly use the Scriptures, confirmation in your heart, and happy interactions to help you know you should marry this person one day. However, surprisingly, God will also use difficult things to confirm that this person is actually the one for you.
Therefore, here are 4 unpleasant things God often allows when you are dating your future spouse.
1. When You Start Dating the Person God Wants You to Marry, You Will Realize They Are Not “The Perfect One”
Before you can really identify “the one,” you have to first let go of all the false ideas about what “the one” actually is.
A lot of people don’t like it when I use the phrase “the one” because they think I mean your soulmate, your twin flame, or your other half. But when I use this phrase, I mean in like it was used in Genesis 24:14, “. . . let her be the one whom you have appointed for your servant Isaac.”
God has a plan for your future marriage. And that plan involves your free will. But nonetheless, Scripture is clear that God has also ordained our days too, “ . . .all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be” (Psalm 139:16, NIV).
All that to say, discovering someone is “the one” can be a painful process for some, especially if you had a lot of idealized visions of what you thought your future spouse would be like. The pain sobers them.
However, once they let go of Hollywood and fairytales, they are then free to enjoy the beautiful mess of real love.
2. When You Are Dating the Person God Wants You to Marry, You Will Need Conflict to Clarify They Really Are the Right Person for You
If the relationship never gets tested, you will never have that peace of knowing deep down you are with the right person. No one likes to be tested, but when you go through something hard with this person, and you two arrive on the other side even closer, you will then know you are really with the right person.
Proverbs 27:17, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” When two iron blades rub together, both edges become sharper, making the knives more efficient in their task to cut and slice.2 Applied to relationships, this means genuine spiritual friendships involve constructive challenge and accountability—not comfort alone. Close friends provide constructive criticism and accountability, and just as sharpening an iron blade makes it more effective, close friends sharpen one another’s character.3
The world will tell you that problems and conflict are a sign that someone should be discarded. While it’s true that some conflicts are signs that God does not want you and this person to be together, it’s untrue that God will mark the person he does want for you by protecting you both from ever having any issues. Reject that worldly idea (Romans 12:2), and embrace the truth that conflict is often used by God to sharpen your connection.
3. When You Are Dating the Person God Wants You to Marry, You Will Have to Sacrifice Other Good Desires to Be with Them
Maybe you thought your future spouse was going to want to live in the state you wanted to live in. Or perhaps you always dreamed that your husband would be a powerful Bible teacher. Or maybe you always expected your future wife to want to be a missionary, like you’ve always wanted.
It’s possible that an impasse on an issue like this could mean God is telling you this person is not the one. However, more often than not, if you really love someone and want to get married, but you’re struggling to make a compromise, this is probably still the right person for you.
God may be changing your plans. Maybe you thought you would always live in your home state, but now you are realizing God is calling you to move. Perhaps you thought you needed your husband to be a mature Bible teacher, but now you are realizing how spiritually amazing this man is, even though he doesn’t have the gift of teaching. Or maybe you thought God was calling you to be a full-time missionary, but he is actually calling you to serve in local missions and go on overseas missions less regularly.
The point is, it’s very common to have to compromise both of your desires so you can form a new life together (Genesis 2:24).
4. When You Are Dating the Person God Wants You to Marry, You Will Have to Regularly Repent of Putting This Relationship Before God
No true Christian wants to put their significant other before God. But in sin, we will all struggle with this at times. This doesn’t mean you are with the wrong person. The key is to repent. When walking in the Spirit together, marriage will strengthen, not hinder, your walk with God.
This was Paul’s point in 1 Corinthians 7. In 1 Corinthians 7:32-35, he explains that a person with the gift of singleness can better focus on God without a spouse. However, he also recognizes that some people don’t have the gift of singleness, but rather have the gift of marriage (1 Corinthians 7:7). And yet, in either case, we are all to live with an undivided devotion to the Lord (1 Corinthians 7:29, 35).
It can be painful to realize that you have idolized this good gift from God. And when you idolize the person you will marry, it will hurt your relationship with them. Take heart, God’s grace is sufficient. Confess, repent, and keep growing with the Lord.
Even in this process, the Spirit is using this person to help sanctify you, increasing your ability to be fully devoted to Jesus.
Here’s a related article called 4 Things God Is Saying Through Conflicts in Dating.
