Last week, I posted an article called This Verse Proves God Does Choose Your Spouse. In that article, I unpacked Genesis 24:14 in depth, which I’ve never done before. However, in the comments, I was reminded of how many misconceptions there are about this idea of “the one.”So, in this article, I will try to give concise answers to ten of the most common rebuttals I’ve heard over the years regarding my belief that “the one” is a biblical concept.
Also, I will leave links to other resources I’ve created that address these rebuttals in more depth.
1. The “Math Problem” Rebuttal
Perhaps the most common argument I’ve heard over the years goes something like this: “Well, if there was such a thing as the one, this would mean you could marry the wrong person. And that would then cause someone else to marry the wrong person. And that would lead to millions and millions of people eventually marrying the wrong person. Therefore, “the one” must not be biblical.”
There are many flaws in this rebuttal. Here are a few answers:
- First, if God ordains something to happen, it can’t not happen. So “the math problem rebuttal” is built on a false premise. It states that God could sovereignly will something that humans could violate. In other words, this argument is solved when you understand that “the one” is not referring to who you should marry. Rather, “the one” is a phrase referring to who you will marry. A cosmic mismatch scenario is not possible because, as Romans 9:19 states, “. . . who is able to resist his will?”
- Second, “the one” does not literally mean there is one person for everyone. Some people will not get married. And some people will get married more than once, such as widows remarrying.
- Third, this argument is really fueled by a misunderstanding of what I mean by “the one.” I’m not referring to soul mates. The one is simply “the person God has planned for you to marry.”
I’ve addressed these points more deeply here:
What Does the Bible Say About The One?
This Verse Proves God Does Choose Your Spouse
(Supporting Scripture: Genesis 24:14, Ephesians 1:11, Romans 8:28, Proverbs 16:33)
2. The “Puzzle” Rebuttal
A lot of people imagine that “God’s sovereign will” means there is a single, invisible path you must follow perfectly, or else you will miss God’s will. Thus, if God sovereignly ordains your spouse, they think this means there will be a million little choices that must be properly made or else you could marry the wrong person. They may say something like, “You’re saying that finding the one is like a big puzzle that we have to put together perfectly or else we will miss God’s will.”
This rebuttal is refuted by understanding that there are different forms of “God’s will” in the Scriptures. People get confused because they use these three “God’s wills” interchangeably. But when you know what type of “God’s will” is being referred to, the confusion dissipates.
In short, there is God’s sovereign will, prescribed will, and personal will for you. God’s sovereign will is what he ordains to happen. You cannot miss this. God’s prescribed will is what God commands in the Scriptures. He wants you to do this, but you can disobey. God’s personal will for you involves those morally neutral decisions that the Spirit might be guiding you on. You could miss this and reap natural consequences.
I’ve addressed these points more deeply here:
4 Things God Wants You to Do So You Don’t Miss His Will for Your Life
3 Biblical Ways to Know if You Missed a Sign from God
4 Reasons You Will Not Be Married to the Wrong Person One Day
(Supporting Scriptures: Psalm 115:3, Luke 7:30, Romans 9:19-20, Romans 12:2, Acts 16:6-10)
3. The “Robot” Rebuttal
Inevitably, whenever I talk about God sovereignly doing anything, many people immediately say something about human free will. When referring to God sovereignly ordaining who you marry, rebuttals often go something like, “We are not robots! God doesn’t choose your spouse because that would violate your free will. He would never force you to marry someone. He lets us pick our own spouse.”
It’s interesting that when I say that God is sovereign and chooses your spouse, people think I just said that you don’t choose your own spouse and that you will be forced to marry someone you may not want to marry. But nowhere in the statement of “God chooses your spouse” is there any hint of the opposite statement, “You do not choose your own spouse.”
In Scripture, it’s very clear that humans do have free will and God is sovereign. Humans can disobey God and God’s will always happens. God always does what he wants and humans are free to do things God does not want. These seem like contradictions, but they’re not. They are just hard for the human mind to grasp at the same time.
It’s similar to the Trinity. How can God be one God and three persons? It’s similar to God being eternal. How can he have no beginning? It’s similar to Jesus being fully man and fully God. How can he be both totally human and totally divine? As Bible-believing Christians, we can accept these biblical facts and can gain a basic understanding of these concepts. But ultimately, even though we can’t fully understand them, we accept them in faith because that’s what the Scriptures clearly state.
Likewise, when it comes to how God is sovereign without violating man’s free will, we can do our best to study and try to understand this. But ultimately, we need to simply accept these truths even though they are above our complete understanding.
I’ve addressed these points more deeply here:
(Supporting Scriptures: Exodus 7:3-4, Exodus 8:32, Acts 2:23, Isaiah 55:8-9, Psalm 131:1)
4. The “No Responsibility” Rebuttal
In contrast to the “robot rebuttal,” people often reject the idea of “the one” because they assume that if God does choose your spouse, this must mean you can’t miss the marriage God wanted for you. People say something like, “Well, if there is such a thing as the one, I don’t need to do anything to find a spouse then, do I?” This is stated rhetorically, as though we all know we do need to do something, therefore this idea of “the one” must be unbiblical.
Again, when you talk about God’s sovereignly doing things, people hear things you didn’t say. They make conclusions you didn’t make. And they state inferences that the Bible doesn’t state. You might assume if God chooses your spouse that you are then unable to miss out on something good God wants to give you. But that’s not true. Scripture is also clear that God wants to bless us with things, but there are times that he waits for us to ask, to do the right thing, and to show that we can handle the blessing.
In fact, while the human mind often concludes passivity is the right response to God’s sovereignty, as though not doing things is an act of accepting that God is the one producing good for us, Scripture actually points to the opposite conclusion. Scripture highlights that a belief in God’s sovereign power to produce his will should result in us taking more actions to pursue the good things we hope God has for us.
This comes back to God’s sovereign will compared to his prescribed will. When we disobey the Scriptures, we reap bad consequences. God doesn’t want us to reap bad consequences, so in that sense, we are missing his will (Luke 7:30). But we are not breaking God’s sovereign will, as though we are overruling what he is controlling.
I’ve addressed these points more deeply here:
God’s Sovereignty and Man’s Responsibility
4 Right Responses to the Sovereignty of God
Would God Let You Marry the Wrong Person?
This Verse Will Prevent You from Missing God’s Blessings
(Supporting Scriptures: Luke 7:30, Philippians 2:12-13, Ephesians 3:20-21, John 15:5)
5. The “Divorce” Rebuttal
It’s natural to assume that if God is sovereign over who we end up marrying, this would mean all marriages would be “good.” And yet, since we know reality is not full of healthy marriages, and since many marriages end painfully in divorce, many say something like, “God would never have planned for two people to get married who then got divorced.”
One way or the other, divorce is always connected to sin. God never causes sin, and yet God is still sovereign over sin. Even when people choose to disobey his prescribed will, God is still sovereign to produce his ordained will.
What possible outcomes could God want to produce through divorce or through a difficult marriage? There are endless possibilities. Here are a few examples:
- Divorce can be used as discipline for those who are living by the flesh and rejecting the Spirit in hopes that they will come to repentance because of this discipline (Galatians 6:7).
- God can use an obedient spouse to be a witness to a disobedient spouse (1 Corinthians 7:16).
- God can use a painful marriage or divorce to teach people to obey his word and enhance their relationship with Jesus (Hebrews 12:7).
I’ve addressed these points more deeply here:
If God Ordains Who We Marry, Why Do Divorces Still Happen?
Can You Miss the Will of God for Your Life?
Does God’s Will Always Happen in Relationships?
(Supporting Scriptures: James 1:13, Genesis 50:20, Proverbs 16:4)
6. The “Reap What You Sow” Rebuttal
Throughout Scripture, there is a principle that people reap what they sow. Thus, when people hear me say that God ordains who you marry, they feel this can’t be true because that would violate the reap-what-you-sow principle. They say, “Nonsense! God isn’t going to just give you a spouse as you sit on your butt at home. After all, God helps those who help themselves!”
First off, the line “God helps those who help themselves” is not found in Scripture. And while Scripture certainly does point to the idea of reaping what we sow, Scripture also points to the fact that God chooses to bless different people with different gifts (1 Corinthians 7:7).
My point is, we do reap what we sow and God still gives and withholds certain gifts based upon his will for each person (Job 1:21). We do need to make wise choices that would result in meeting, dating, and marrying someone. And God still needs to give us the gifts we are working towards. It’s not either or.
I’ve addressed these points more deeply here:
5 Things You Must Learn Before God Will Reveal The One
4 Things that Happen When God Is Giving You a Vision for Your Future
(Supporting Scriptures: Job 1:21, Psalm 16:2, Psalm 37:4, Matthew 7:7, Galatians 6:7-9, James 1:17, Proverbs 20:4, Proverbs 10:4, Matthew 25:23)
7. The “God Would Be Cruel” Rebuttal
A lot of people hear what I’m saying about God having the power to put two people together, but then they wonder, “Well, if God could cause me to get married, why isn’t he? Wouldn’t it mean God is cruel if he could give us what we want but just refuses?”
This is really just another variant of the question, “How can a good, all-powerful God let bad things happen?” People conclude that either God is all-powerful but not good, or that God is good but not all-powerful. Scripture, however, states that God is perfectly good and perfectly sovereign and that he allows bad things to happen that he could have sovereignly stopped.
This is a very big topic. However, the most concise and important answer is that God’s solution is found in Jesus. We may want God to micromanage the world so nothing bad happens. God, however, has offered us everything in the gospel.
Thus, the “God would be cruel” argument is solved by realizing how God loves us. We imagine that if God really loved us and was all-powerful, he would give us easy lives and every gift we ever wanted. But God says his love is ultimately expressed through giving us himself, which is why he sent Jesus – to restore our relationship with him.
I’ve addressed these points more deeply here:
Why Does God Allow Bad Things to Happen to Good People?
Why Does God Allow Bad Things to Happen to You?
4 Signs God Is Preparing You for What You’ve Been Praying For
God Is Getting You Ready to Experience His Goodness If . . .
4 Reasons God Permitted You to Get Hurt By Someone
Is God Punishing You with Singleness?
(Supporting Scriptures: Psalm 16:2, Psalm 16:11, Psalm 37:4, Matthew 7:7, Galatians 6:7-9, James 1:17, Proverbs 20:4, Proverbs 10:4, Matthew 25:23)
8. The “Find Your Soul Mate or Suffer” Rebuttal
When I use the phrase “the one,” people often think I’m referring to a soul mate. And since many people know that the concept of a soul mate is not in Scripture, they then assume “the one” is also not in Scripture.
But as I’ve explained many times before, “the one” is not referring to a soul mate, your other half, your twin flame, your spirit spouse, or some other romantic mythical person. Those concepts are unbiblical and they promote idolatry. There is not one person you must marry in order to have a great marriage, while if you marry someone else, you will have a terrible marriage.
All I mean by “the one” is that God is sovereign over your marriage. Thus, whether you have a great marriage, a hard marriage, or something in between, God has a plan and purpose for you in that marriage. However you got to where you are, you are there now by God’s sovereign leading. He has a purpose for you, always!
I’ve addressed these points more deeply here:
What Does the Bible Say About Soul Mates?
What Does the Bible Say About Twin Flames?
What Does the Bible Say About a Spirit Spouse?
4 Painful Things God Uses to Lead You to The One
3 Signs Spiritual Warfare Is Keeping You from Your Kingdom Spouse
(Supporting Scriptures: Genesis 50:20, Genesis 24:14, 1 Corinthians 7:7, 1 Corinthians 7:13-16, Psalm 16:11, Psalm 84:11, Matthew 7:11)
9. The “I Know Unbelievers Who Are Perfectly Happy” Rebuttal
Some people think the idea that God chooses who you marry is somehow disproved by the fact that there are plenty of non-Christians out there who seem perfectly happy in marriage. They conclude, “Well, if God has to put you with the right person, how come my atheist aunt and uncle have been happily married for the last 40 years?”
First, even good things unbelievers have are still from God. Theologically, this is called common grace. Marriage is a gift to the world from God. And if unbelievers follow certain relationship principles, even if they aren’t doing so for the glory of God, they can still have a healthy(ish) relationship with each other.
Second, the fact that non-Christians have good things says nothing about God condoning their rebellion against him. God is very gracious. Thus, he remains kind to those who hate him.
Lastly, a happy marriage is not the ultimate gift from God, as though these people have somehow beaten the system. It’s not as though they are going to heaven because they have found some marital happiness while on earth. We will all be judged by God. And those without Christ will go to hell for eternity.
So the fact that non-Christians can have decent marriages does not somehow disprove everything the Bible says we should do to have a healthy marriage.
Lastly, most people are suffering far more than you realize. While a non-believer may seem happy, you don’t know what they are really going through behind closed doors.
I’ve addressed these points more deeply here:
Why Does God Allow Disobedient People to Get Married?
8 Steps to Take If You’re a Christian Who Has Feelings for an Unbeliever
Does the Bible Say You Can Marry Non-Christians in 1 Corinthians 7:12-16?
(Supporting Scriptures: Matthew 5:45, James 1:17, Acts 17:25, Romans 2:4)
10. The “This Is Too Confusing” Rebuttal
As you can see, this topic can be complex. And yet, when we start answering people’s hard questions, they then complain when they get hard answers. In Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis wrote:
A child saying a child’s prayer looks simple. And if you are content to stop there, well and good. But if you are not, and the modern world usually is not, if you want to go on and ask what is really happening, then you must be prepared for something difficult. If we ask for something more than simplicity, it is silly then to complain that the something more is not simple.”
Therefore, if you’re not asking these hard questions about God’s sovereign will interacting with your free will, that’s okay. But don’t ask hard questions and then give a lazy response, “Well, since this is complicated, it must be untrue and useless.”
The fact is, most Christians throw their theology out the window when the topic of dating comes up. That is a big mistake. Our theology should be applied to our lives in practical ways. If the Scriptures aren’t guiding the way you live your life daily, something is off.
I’ve addressed these points more deeply here:
3 Reasons God Allows Confusion When You Meet The One
What to Do When You Don’t Know What to Do
5 Steps to Take When You’re Unsure of What You Want
My Book: The One: How to Know and Trust God’s Sovereign Plan for Your Future Marriage
(Supporting Scriptures: 1 Corinthians 2:14, 2 Timothy 3:16-17, Psalm 119:105, Isaiah 55:8-9, Hebrews 11:6)
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